The New Year is right around the corner, 2013. I always make the same resolutions just like everyone else and don't get to them all. February rolls around and the list has been forgotten. What else is new? I'm grateful for the accomplishments of this year. I have to give all credit to God. My faith gives me strength and motivation. Facebook is going to be annoying as hell for the next month with everyone saying "This is my year!!" Just like they did in January of this year...I have the memory of an elephant, trust me. I kinda want to scream from the rooftops that 2013 is my year also, because hubby and I are so excited about the new chapter we're about to embark on building our 1st home, and our dream home at that (by realistic standards). We can't though. We don't want to jinx anything and also Social Media has changed everything. I have always been a humble person, a modest person regardless of how flashy I am. Here I am though, writing a blog and putting myself out there. Our generation has an intense need to be heard, to be seen, to be understood, and I am no different. Thoughts and feelings have never been so important in history. Social media makes it so. The problem is while you can't get off of social media, you can't stay on entirely either. I see so many people deactivate only to be back couple days to 1 week later. Some even longer, but they always come back. Social media is like having TV in your home. Nowadays there's not only 1 TV in your home, but multiple TVs.
The problem is that life has changed so dramatically. Competition drives everyone, from friends, to family. Don't get me wrong, I am genuinely happy for people, if anything I'm the first to say congratulations. I always get the short end of the stick though...when it's my turn I feel green vibes, people start changing, people start treating you differently, they ask rude questions, they assume things when they talk to you, they are awfully quiet where they weren't before. Subtle changes can't be mistaken to people who have always been keen and observant and downright analytical. I would love to say it's in our head but it's too obvious you can almost touch it. I see people on FB make posts about their accomplishments, and the 1st time I decided to spread the word about our business launch, it was not welcomed as others were. In fact that's when we saw the subtle changes that grew bigger. People don't see the tears, the frustrations, the angst, the pain, the yelling, the hurtles, the obstacles, the disappointments, and the negative things we've had to overcome. All they see are smiling faces, babies, and beautiful memories. Is anyone flashing cameras during a bad day?... I didn't think so...
Now we are in a place where we have to censor what we share and what we don't. It sucks, because when you're excited about something and truly happy you just want to share it with the world. Is it really that we need a cheerleading squad or acknowledgement? No. For me I felt that if I can be happy for others why can't I humbly say what's going on without boasting like I've seen too, and these so called "friends" be happy for me. I think back to when I found out I was having a girl, I couldn't wait to share, because that's such happy news. You want everyone else to jump up and down and cheer with you like the end of a sports game or tournament. It took hard work, perseverance, good judgement and most of all tough times to get where we are. Yet it seems the more you get up in life the more people change. We take a great deal of effort to dumb things down and share on an as needed basis being careful not to lie, in hopes not to offend anyone or make anyone feel bad because they might be in a dark place and things aren't that great for them. I truly have been made to feel guilty about being happy. On Christmas eve while making cookies with Izzie and on skype with my mother, she said to me: "Isn't it funny that the college educated woman is the stay at home mom and me the uneducated one is working?" Comparison of herself to myself is in effect here.....This isn't the first time either, it's a random kick that happens enough to remember each time and each occasion, each time painstakingly shocking.
I will let that simmer for a bit............
What could that have meant? Was it positive? Was it meant to uplift me? Was it true? No. The more I think that I am nobody's daughter, nor will I ever be. It's really that simple. The older I get the more clear it becomes with statements like that, because I am now a mother, and I couldn't dream of saying something so hurtful to my daughters on Christmas eve, so randomly, without a cause, while on video with them as they make Christmas cookies for "Santa". That's it. That's the statement that reinforced my belief that we were better off not going over there for the holidays. Interestingly enough what reassures me of my position as a SAHM is the fact that two women from my husband's job just decided to quit their job to be a SAHM. Yes... they are college educated. One of them a manager, and another a software developer with her masters. Both of them in the information technology field, same as my husband. The office is mainly a male centered dept with everyone in IT, and these two females have the same idea as me: Enjoy your children when they're small, this time is the best and it goes by so quickly. This is what they'll remember, and what makes being MOM worthwhile. Another one of his office buddies confided in him that his wife's biggest regret is not staying home with her two children who are still around our kids' ages. She's also a top executive, but she can't quit because they won't be able to afford their lifestyle.
So whoever my readers are; I share with you, because our circle is so small and everybody needs to vent from time to time without burdening anyone. Writing has always been therapeutic to me, it helps you understand who you are and clear your mind. It's given me purpose that maybe I can and will write my book one day. This will be the stepping stone in working towards that direction. Lord knows FB is no longer a place for me to write such long posts, especially such intimate ones.
The only way to become a better writer is to keep writing.