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Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Love=Weakness

My husband left today on a business trip. I couldn't get that cotton mouth feeling outta my system, all the way to the airport I had that dreadful feeling. He held me tight and kissed me softly a few times, I couldn't help but cry. He hasn't had a major conference or important reason to travel since 2010, but when he does it's big. He's a lead software engineer and he's trying to make things happen for us. He's the smartest person I know, the most ambitious and hardworking man I've ever known. He will not give up. It's no wonder I fell in love with him, but "all a woman can ever hope to be is a pretty little fool". Feminists are rolling over in their graves' right now. We've fought for equal rights, we got it. We fought to be equally educated, we got it. We fought for equal pay, we got it. We didn't think it all the way through though. We still had to carry the children for almost a year if you include the 1st 3 months of nonstop breastfeeding, we still carry more of the burdens of child care and home care. Many thought they were doing something amazing by going out and getting a fancy education and a career, only to feel like they're still pulling that extra shift after a long day at the office and feeling duped out of their children's childhood of many firsts. No matter how you look at it, we're always wide open; vulnerable. Weakened by love of a man and/or love of a child. You fall in love and you give that special someone your heart to hold, when you have a child it's like you have to cut your heart in half and give it to your spouse and child, and they wear it on the outside instead of carrying it safely and gently...You decide to skip that path and eventually fear becoming the cat lady. You reach the pinnacle of your career and success and somehow you're still looking at what's next. You achieve everything and now you're sitting here upset because getting what you thought you wanted isn't so much fun. I get it, that's life. "Be Strong" they say...

Is it time to dream up a new dream yet? Probably not, the kids need you. You've got to become the master of disguise, whatever is bothering you can wait just like how emptying your bladder when you're trying to put food on the table can wait.
 The pathetic moment when you realize that your emotions are your biggest weakness... How can someone just leave home temporarily and make your heart ache? I said I'd never be that woman who loses herself and here I am lost.
It doesn't even matter how many different things I've got going for me, how many things I can do to keep myself entertained, or all the things I've done to maintain my individuality. I want no part of those things. I just fuckin miss him! The worst part is the loss of control. You've got to make peace with this shit, you don't have a choice. He's going to be back in 2 days, and this is how I feel. An emptiness in the kids, in every room of our house, in our bed... I always said I'd never date a police officer, Dr., lawyer, or someone in the military for the same reason, I need a lover in the flesh majority of the time. If this is how I feel about 2 more days maybe I should really run away, because something must be wrong with me and missing someone who will be back in 2 days is ridiculous right? 

Will I get over it? Of course. When he gets back it will be back to being positive and and thankfully happy. Will I cry again the next time he leaves in another month? Of course. Am I being dramatic? Hell no, I refuse to apologize for how I feel, chalking it up to "being dramatic". Will I break up the most beautiful but soul crushing thing I've dreamt about, wished on stars for, and finally created, probably not. Love=Weakness. Some would say it's being clingy, but you wouldn't even know how much it hurts till you find yourself missing someone like no tomorrow, even irrationally so.  
"Happiness is a point between two points of unhappiness."

I hope it's all worth it in the end.