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Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Why Men Respond to The Damsel in Distress

I was reading this article the day before about strong independent woman syndrome. I really enjoyed that article. A few things clicked to me about dating and relationships. Everything I'm hearing about today's dating scene is so crazy. Everybody's scared to admit that they need someone, they treat each other like they're disposable. We're all so damn afraid to be vulnerable. I've always been in tune to how I feel. Growing up, feelings were something you didn't share, my mother never cried in front of us. Crying was considered a weakness, especially if done in front of others. I however have always been a sensitive person, I'm not afraid to let my feelings flow, speak my truth, and move on. Naturally I felt suffocated in that environment, because my nature is so soft and free-spirited. I'm hard and tough when I need to be, I won't break because I'm not fragile. If anything I feel stronger because I allow myself to accept what I'm feeling and deal with the issues headfirst.

I ask for what I need because I'm not afraid to be "needy". If my needs cannot be met, I leave the situation. You can't expect to meet your needs at the cost of someone else's. That's wrong. I know my limits too, if someone's asking for more than I'm prepared to give I can easily say no. No explanation required. If you stifle those feelings as I did for a long time at one point you'll end up lost and depressed and not know why. All around you things will continue to disappoint you. It's as if all your efforts in everything you're trying to accomplish in life become futile. I can guarantee you that in this state, you can never see the silver lining.

Romantically, I give and receive tons affection, he knows I love him with ever fiber of my being because I show him. When he comes home and kisses me hello I stop what I'm doing and give him a big squeeze. Those hugs make me melt like butter, the angriest of women just need more hugs. If there's a lot going on at home I make time for us to reconnect. I like passionate sex, and talking for hours on end, it makes me feel content. I don't want to go out to fancy dinners. I need to be acknowledged and feel like he cherishes me. I need to feel loved and connect with someone intimately. Many times I felt like things were changing from the days in H.S. and rather than accept that life changes, I said "no way Jose!" by being proactive about those changes and how I felt. It's not perfect, but it works.

Going back to relationships today, women are at equal earning capacities in the workforce. Women are independent, successful, and size their counterparts up by their status. Then they let those feelings of independence leak into their love lives. We commonly hear lines like "I don't need a man" or "he's replaceable". If he's not giving you attention, affection, or appreciation, you sweep it under the rug, because "I'm a strong and independent" I don't need those things to be happy. "I can buy my own things, I don't need his gifts".  Yet most of your behavior and actions remain resentful. You fill the time with distractions, or band-aids as I like to call them. Band-aids ranging from meaningless routines, trips, overbooked schedules and plans, basically time that could've been spent laying in each others arms dreaming new dreams or sharing fears, or talking about the issues is wasted in the name of busy. Your ego remains bruised by your own stubbornness. No matter how many band-aids you use, it doesn't stop hurting. He gets used to your unloving demeanor, yet his actions don't change because why would they? You made it clear you don't need rescuing. 

You remain devoted to keeping this dying idea of "together" but are unwilling to give in to expressing your feelings, asking for what you need,  and refuse to be the first to give in and show some love. At some point you become anything but together, only DIVIDED by this invisible power struggle.

Romance novels never die because the story is the same. Women love these novels because they feature her dream man. What nobody asks themselves is why is he the dream man and what did the female do to make him so wonderful? She's the damsel. She's not a pathetic creature who can't do anything for herself or think on her own but a there's a certain softness to her and she always finds herself in a bind. The female character is always described as a woman who's scared to get her heart broken, but eventually breaks down that wall that's guarding her heart, unleashing all the tenderness of her mind, body, and soul. He's drunk on her smile, addicted to her vulnerability and lives only to please her and goes to great lengths to keep her happy. He isn't intimidated that she makes more money than him, because she lets him wear the pants. She's independent and strong without really saying it, because when push comes to shove, we know she runs the show, it's always her final say-so in the battle of the sexes... She knows how to stroke his ego and knows it needs more protecting than her own. Real life isn't any different. Men like being fixers, protectors, heros, and thrive on admiration. Usually they can't stand to see you cry. You can have all of that, but are you ready to bat your pretty eyes and ask for it?

Sometimes I think I must be from a different time, because I wonder:

Where are the serenading mariachi bands or singing telegrams?
Where are the poems?
Where are the love letters we used to write?
Where are the acts of undying love?
Where are the surprises?
How do we even profess our love anymore?

Maybe we became too strong and independent for all those things, or it's just one of the side-effects of feminism. Bare some of your tenderness, and keep the bitching to a minimum.


Love is professing everything you feel in your heart in a different way everyday and having it reciprocated.

Totally Accurate if Reciprocation is the problem: 
http://elitedaily.com/dating/make-miss-leave-get-stay/880502/

Strong Independent Woman Syndrome
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/11/strong-independent-woman-syndrome-tilley/

I always say this: My husband comes before my kids.
http://www.yourtango.com/2012160868/my-husband-comes-first-how-i-baby-proof-my-marriage

Keep Him Interested with Love Nuggets:
http://www.yourtango.com/experts/debra-smouse/how-do-i-keep-my-husband-interested