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Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Why Men Respond to The Damsel in Distress

I was reading this article the day before about strong independent woman syndrome. I really enjoyed that article. A few things clicked to me about dating and relationships. Everything I'm hearing about today's dating scene is so crazy. Everybody's scared to admit that they need someone, they treat each other like they're disposable. We're all so damn afraid to be vulnerable. I've always been in tune to how I feel. Growing up, feelings were something you didn't share, my mother never cried in front of us. Crying was considered a weakness, especially if done in front of others. I however have always been a sensitive person, I'm not afraid to let my feelings flow, speak my truth, and move on. Naturally I felt suffocated in that environment, because my nature is so soft and free-spirited. I'm hard and tough when I need to be, I won't break because I'm not fragile. If anything I feel stronger because I allow myself to accept what I'm feeling and deal with the issues headfirst.

I ask for what I need because I'm not afraid to be "needy". If my needs cannot be met, I leave the situation. You can't expect to meet your needs at the cost of someone else's. That's wrong. I know my limits too, if someone's asking for more than I'm prepared to give I can easily say no. No explanation required. If you stifle those feelings as I did for a long time at one point you'll end up lost and depressed and not know why. All around you things will continue to disappoint you. It's as if all your efforts in everything you're trying to accomplish in life become futile. I can guarantee you that in this state, you can never see the silver lining.

Romantically, I give and receive tons affection, he knows I love him with ever fiber of my being because I show him. When he comes home and kisses me hello I stop what I'm doing and give him a big squeeze. Those hugs make me melt like butter, the angriest of women just need more hugs. If there's a lot going on at home I make time for us to reconnect. I like passionate sex, and talking for hours on end, it makes me feel content. I don't want to go out to fancy dinners. I need to be acknowledged and feel like he cherishes me. I need to feel loved and connect with someone intimately. Many times I felt like things were changing from the days in H.S. and rather than accept that life changes, I said "no way Jose!" by being proactive about those changes and how I felt. It's not perfect, but it works.

Going back to relationships today, women are at equal earning capacities in the workforce. Women are independent, successful, and size their counterparts up by their status. Then they let those feelings of independence leak into their love lives. We commonly hear lines like "I don't need a man" or "he's replaceable". If he's not giving you attention, affection, or appreciation, you sweep it under the rug, because "I'm a strong and independent" I don't need those things to be happy. "I can buy my own things, I don't need his gifts".  Yet most of your behavior and actions remain resentful. You fill the time with distractions, or band-aids as I like to call them. Band-aids ranging from meaningless routines, trips, overbooked schedules and plans, basically time that could've been spent laying in each others arms dreaming new dreams or sharing fears, or talking about the issues is wasted in the name of busy. Your ego remains bruised by your own stubbornness. No matter how many band-aids you use, it doesn't stop hurting. He gets used to your unloving demeanor, yet his actions don't change because why would they? You made it clear you don't need rescuing. 

You remain devoted to keeping this dying idea of "together" but are unwilling to give in to expressing your feelings, asking for what you need,  and refuse to be the first to give in and show some love. At some point you become anything but together, only DIVIDED by this invisible power struggle.

Romance novels never die because the story is the same. Women love these novels because they feature her dream man. What nobody asks themselves is why is he the dream man and what did the female do to make him so wonderful? She's the damsel. She's not a pathetic creature who can't do anything for herself or think on her own but a there's a certain softness to her and she always finds herself in a bind. The female character is always described as a woman who's scared to get her heart broken, but eventually breaks down that wall that's guarding her heart, unleashing all the tenderness of her mind, body, and soul. He's drunk on her smile, addicted to her vulnerability and lives only to please her and goes to great lengths to keep her happy. He isn't intimidated that she makes more money than him, because she lets him wear the pants. She's independent and strong without really saying it, because when push comes to shove, we know she runs the show, it's always her final say-so in the battle of the sexes... She knows how to stroke his ego and knows it needs more protecting than her own. Real life isn't any different. Men like being fixers, protectors, heros, and thrive on admiration. Usually they can't stand to see you cry. You can have all of that, but are you ready to bat your pretty eyes and ask for it?

Sometimes I think I must be from a different time, because I wonder:

Where are the serenading mariachi bands or singing telegrams?
Where are the poems?
Where are the love letters we used to write?
Where are the acts of undying love?
Where are the surprises?
How do we even profess our love anymore?

Maybe we became too strong and independent for all those things, or it's just one of the side-effects of feminism. Bare some of your tenderness, and keep the bitching to a minimum.


Love is professing everything you feel in your heart in a different way everyday and having it reciprocated.

Totally Accurate if Reciprocation is the problem: 
http://elitedaily.com/dating/make-miss-leave-get-stay/880502/

Strong Independent Woman Syndrome
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/11/strong-independent-woman-syndrome-tilley/

I always say this: My husband comes before my kids.
http://www.yourtango.com/2012160868/my-husband-comes-first-how-i-baby-proof-my-marriage

Keep Him Interested with Love Nuggets:
http://www.yourtango.com/experts/debra-smouse/how-do-i-keep-my-husband-interested

Monday, May 18, 2015

5 Factors Why Men Cheat

Hey everyone, so men cheating is never an exhausted topic. We all want to know why, my friend suggested I touch on this topic and I thought well why not. We've all been cheated on before, did the cheating, or know someone who's gone through both. It's common. It happens, but why is the first thing we're stuck on. I know men and women of a variety of ages who cheat and it's not just speculation. I know for a fact. I wanna focus on men cheating. I think there are major differences in the reasoning/factors/circumstances based on gender. I'd like to compile some of my own findings on why men cheat. So here goes:

1) Roots Needed for Growth-The relationship never established roots before it became a sexual relationship. Love, trust and respect needs to be established before the relationship becomes physical. For men they need time to build up that sense of love and bonding. Sex raises the bonding hormone oxytocin but after it's over it lowers considerably unless love is established. It's basically the chemistry of emotions in the mind. Criminologists have discovered how the influence of love, sex, and romance can reform the most hardened criminals, but similarly drive a man to steal, cheat, or commit murder. On a positive note, it's the same emotions that can be the driving force in great heights of super achievement in some men.  Studies show that oxytocin is linked with monogamy: 

"A study, published in the journal PNAS in November 2013, examined brain scans of men who had received oxytocin or placebo via a nasal spray. The oxytocin was associated with activation of the men's reward centres in their brains, and with greater feelings of attraction to their partners versus other women in photographs. This followed a very similar study in The Journal of Neuroscience in November 2012: A hormone can help keep men faithful."
Time + Passion + Love = ?

2) Loss of Love and Sparkle- love is a bond that doesn't just exist, you have to cultivate it, you have to work at it, you have to keep it safe or it loses it's value, becomes stale, and isn't nearly as precious as it was originally. I strongly believe that if you stop loving yourself and being your best self, so will he. This is on you women. I'm gonna shock you and tell you that in this area, it's your job to keep him interested. You can't let yourself go and expect him to see the glitter in your eyes. Take pride in yourself, you have a role to play here, and the name is Romance. It's your job to keep reminding him why he pursued you in the first place. In the book I'm reading called "Think and Grow Rich" by Napoleon Hill it's not about becoming a millionaire, but how to build and conquer your life like an empire. Love, power and sex are mutually exclusive parts to a man's success and through the right woman he can materialize it. When you sparkle you catch his eyes, that's energy. That's conjuring up a hunger or a thirst. Everything in life translates into energy. In Ch. 11 the author say's something I always knew but was not an authority figure on to convince those who said otherwise:



3) Religiosity/Upbringing- a very religious man in a religion that promotes monogamy will be less apt to cheating because it's likely he's God fearing. If he grew up in a home where both parents respected each other and a high value is placed on fidelity, however tempting it might be, he will feel conflicted about breaking that norm. Our belief system stems from our culture, religion, views imposed from our upbringing and life experiences. Think about the sacredness of religious items. If you view marriage as sacred, you'll treat it differently than you would if you believed it's disposable. 



4) Character Flaws- this is found in the man who will throw away the greatest woman/relationship for nothing. He will cheat on the beautiful devoted wife because he's upset, looking for an escape, to pacify negative emotions, boredom, or to compensate for something he's lacking in ego. These men are poor at problem-solving, communication,  coping with stress, easily peer pressured, conflict avoiders, and usually an addiction to alcohol or something else like sex isn't that far behind.  Character flaws on the female side of the relationship, is in regards to conflict resolution. Behavior/speech that disrespects, emasculates, belittles, or breaks down a male counterpart, plays a part as well. Women have to look at themselves as builders; "behind every successful man is a woman". You catch more flies with honey. Don't let him fly away because you're offering vinegar. Today our generation are characteristically flawed because nobody can stand to be in a relationship for the long haul. The minute things get hard they run. The mentality is if something is broken..."throw it away". It's one thing to work hard on something that shows no change, and knowing when enough is enough, but even then courage, ambition, determination and strength are the qualities required. The belief system, character flaws, coupled with lower religiosity, raises the likelihood of cheating.  

5) Power, Charisma, Appeal- we all know some people are fierce, they're born with a power within them. They can command a room without much effort. Some strong signs in astrology create these personalities, it's just the way nature created it. I strongly believe some men just can't be monogamous unless they find someone with equal inner power as them. This power can be used negatively or positively. Used positively, you'll find these men as successful leaders, important business figures, inventors, and athletes. When we see these powerful figures fall, it's usually due to overindulgence of some kind and many times that overindulgence is another woman. 

Think about all these factors. Start investing your time, energy and love in the places that need work. Life isn't perfect, people aren't perfect, but....

                      Time + Passion + Love =                             
(Anything you want to cultivate; strength, commitment, fidelity, power, growth, bonds, happiness, etc.)

Other Interesting Reads: 
Why Sex Should Be Treated As A Spiritual Practice

7 Things Men Want In A Relationship

31 Reasons Why Men Don’t Cheat

Cheating Women Are Looking For Sex, Not Divorce, Study Says

Sex, Lies and Conversation; Why Is It So Hard for Men and Women to Talk to Each Other?

Each time a man connects with a woman sexually and releases his life form energy within her, he leaves a part of his information (DNA) in her birth canal.

PDF E-Book: Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill