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Thursday, October 27, 2016

The Word "Settling" is Causing People to Miss Out

Hey guys, I know it's been a while. Life gets hectic and so much has transpired in terms of my life and the new direction it's taking. As a driven woman, focused on my life goals, I spent a better part of two years trying to figure myself out, and how to attain everything I wanted.

I wanted 30 to be the era to re-invent myself, in many vain and materialistic ways. I wanted to get to the very best I could be physically and start up a business for myself. Nothing is wrong with doing more for yourself but it can't be all you're about. At the same token you can't just sit idly doing nothing, aspiring to nothing. I took another chance and gave in to the person I love because that's what love is. It's messy, complicated, sacrifice and compromising. My husband wanted a baby and while I wanted it too, I didn't want to start all over again. I struggled with the decision because either way I didn't want there to be resentment. I tossed and turned with the idea but at the end of the day when we're old and gray we will look back on this time and the #1 thing old people have are regrets. I don't know who I will be when I'm 50-60 yrs old. I don't want to miss out on what could've been. Working moms envy stay at home moms, and stay at home moms envy working moms. Both sides always feel like they're getting the short end of the stick because we're bombarded everyday with messages about how much more we could have if x, if y, if z. Comparison is the thief of joy. However, I don't compare myself to anyone, I just had this picture perfect idea of who I wanted to be. The future me was my inspiration, because we live in a generation of go-getters, striving self-made people, where every article you're reading about is how to get to the next level of necessary comfort by creating a secure and stable financial future, and how to save for your children's college, and your retirement, and how to be smart enough to ride out the economic waves. The bottom-line is always "Don't Settle, Do More Do Better!". Some people are okay with mediocrity and that's fine, but a overly charged mind-set on "do more and do better" is damaging.

In the Kardashian age we live in of course everybody is
owed something, spoiled, entitled, non-accepting of their
own flaws, and expecting nothing but the best, despite not
actually being the best. Hence, the message prevails:
"DON'T SETTLE".
Last week was our 16th Anniversary since we became a couple and we reminisced a bit realizing the enormity of 16 straight years of being together and what it was like when we first met. It wasn't a love a first sight or anything. It was a conscious decision to give what you'd normally say no to a genuine chance. The chance most people take is to just talk but I was past talking I was ready to say here's all of me and my broken pieces and here's my naked soul. It was knowing there's so many options and choosing the person who had the most heart and potential. Settling is what most would call it when there was so much to choose from. Today's dating scene makes me all the more glad to have figured my shit out from a young age. It's a disaster out there! Both men and women are holding out for this cookie cutter idea of what they will accept instead of wearing their heart on their sleeve. They're refusing to acknowledge people outside of their material accomplishments, and status. I recently saw a number of people share the article "Getting Married is Not an Accomplishment" and I became outraged , not because I'm married but because since when did we become so blind to the fact that life is a circle. A circle that is composed of equally divided aspects that create balance. Social accomplishments are just as important as educational and career accomplishments. The problem is we're looking at people and measuring them in the light of what can they bring to the table.

Yes TRUE! We must have standards but don't take settling
to an extreme either. Know the difference between actually
settling and exploring potential. 

This past weekend, was my husband's 30th birthday. I wanted him to have a really special birthday. For the entire month I worked on little ideas here and there, special touches for his party and the girls and I said we'd do a "30 Reasons Why We Love You" board. Well you know kids, they came up with 6 items, 2 of which the little one repeated and I was left to do the board myself. At first I thought it was going to take long, but once I got started I realized the never ending reasons I could find to love this man. What got me to tears was the realization that despite all the options I thought I had back then, I was his only choice, the fact that he never left even when I had nothing to bring to the table. I mean literally nothing. I was in a dark place back then and it would've been much easier to leave me during a time when I didn't love myself and was so hard to love. If anything he was "settling" as hard as that is to admit, because I was no bed of roses.  If someone is interested in you, give them a chance to get to know them, regardless of race, religion, and social status. Education and looks might be a deal breaker but even those things can change. You should only question if you're settling if you stay in a relationship where the person doesn't love and value you, or treat you with respect. A relationship with serious problems like infidelity, or where there are more negatives than positives. Domestic violence and abusive situations is another commonplace occurrence where people settle for less than they deserve.

This past weekend was all I hoped for. It made me realize that I'm glad that I made the decision I did earlier this year for a man who never asks for anything and gives so much. That's growth. I'm pregnant and we're having our first boy after two girls. The happiness we felt and I saw in my husband's eyes up to our gender reveal makes my heart burst with joy. It's something we'll never forget. Does that mean that I give up on my goals? Absolutely not, I'm just taking the road less traveled. The scenic route. Slow and steady wins the race right?

When you're faced with an opportunity and feel like you're settling, realize that it's FEAR-based. There's no such thing as settling when you might miss out on true love or happiness.