Thursday, December 12, 2013

It's December, Bitches!!!

That's right! We're 12 days in actually, but yesterday makes a year since I started making blog posts. I'm so thankful for this year, amazing things have happened. God is great! Personal development takes so much work, so much thought, so much understanding. I'm trying to get my shit together for the New Year. I have many resolutions, and things to accomplish. I've been refraining from making too many posts lately since I've been busy and don't have enough time to be thoughtful about it. I also haven't shared anything lately because I'm on to something new about health. There's a lot I'm experimenting with and would like to share my results when I have a definitive conclusion which will come with sources too of course. I just celebrated another birthday and I feel fabulous. Sure there are still things I struggle with, but I'm not letting it take over my life. I will be going to NYC for the holidays, so it's going to be an eventful month!

I've learned a lot by observance this year. The quieter you are the more you can hear, the more you can hear the more clarity you can gain. So what do I have planned for 2014? WORK that's what. Work on myself, my family's health on this journey through GMOs and organic living, reading more novels than I've read this year, start a garden, more blogging and insightful posts, more praying especially. We've resolved to no more birthday parties for the girls just keeping it low key. What I'd like to do more than anything is to to work on a worthy cause. I'm content I can't ask for anything more. I look forward to each day watching my kids grow up. I don't have time for anything that doesn't make me happy or help me lead a positive life.

What are you looking forward to in the New Year? What will you do differently? How will you continue to grow? I saw this today and I think everyone should take a moment to check this woman out, she explains how you can add 10 years to your life and prevent the top 5 regrets from the dying. She was on the brink of suicide and used games as a technique to pull herself out from a serious depression. It's highly informative, yes a little long but you won't regret watching it. I don't share anything that doesn't allow viewers to walk away with something meaningful. Watch it, rate it the comment box below, and share it!

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Facts about Female Body Image

While everybody was busy getting their shop on during Black Friday today, I was chilling at home and going through one of my favorite planners from Junior High School. In the back had a time capsule page with various entries to fill in about myself. It never hit me how insecure I was about my body and how young I was when I was filled up with self-hate. Under my goals, my first thing listed on September 14th, 1999 in which I was 12 years old was; lose 20 lbs. Wtf! I started thinking goddamn how long have I been on this dark path of obsessing with the scale? I sat there sharing tidbits from my school planner with my husband who was equally appalled that I wrote things about my weight in there from such a young age. I thought and thought and realized it all began in 3rd grade. My mom would insult me for enjoying sweets. I was always thick. My thighs touched, and I was always berated for not being where I was supposed to be. Such an unhealthy body image led me to starving myself in JHS where I only allowed myself to eat one small meal a day and binging on junk whenever I could. I don't recall ever being happy with myself no matter how thin I became. It makes me scared about what I'm gonna teach my daughters when the time comes when I haven't learned to completely love myself unconditionally either.

I saw this article and it really hit me how disturbing the content was, that I felt it needed to be shared. If not for acknowledging what our girls today are feeling, then for taking responsibility for our own negative connotations of ourselves. We are society. Does this mean we should promote obesity and that obesity is okay? Absolutely not, to promote obesity, it would be the other extreme of what we've been promoting here below. We need to promote health.

Source: Huffington Post


Friday, November 29, 2013

A Priority to be Happy: Sophrosyne

My brother is my best friend. I can tell him anything. Sometimes he might take a while to understand a point I'm getting at because of the different mindsets and experiences we've been in that shaped us and we don't see eye-to-eye; but in the end he's still my brother and I know he accepts me as I am. He's smart and funny and what I admire most about him is his ability to just be himself and do what he feels like doing. He can break something down in a black and white way and simplify a problem. As an older sister I always thought I have to be the example I have to get things right; but no, there's something I had wrong for a long time. I'm an anal person. I need to have control over my life, and while I was desperately holding on to the notion that I could actually control everything, I was controlling nothing in terms of my own happiness.

I went many years with the feeling of obligation, that I had to put everyone's needs first before my own. When I moved out during college it was the first time I "did me". It was hard but I did it, and it was thee most liberating feeling ever. I thought I was over my need to "please" until the next time and time after that, etc. It's a habit I can't quite stop doing it. Becoming a wife and mother has only made that habit worse because you naturally take better care of your family than you do of yourself.

I felt compelled lately to talk about goals more than anything else because that's what's been going on in my life and that's what I've been going back and forth with this year. I'm learning things daily about myself and about life. Sometimes I have to go to the store and it's on my mind about the things I need. I make a plan to go the very next day, but then the next day I wake up and I just don't feel like it. I say fuck it and leave it for the next day because it can wait and because well... "who gives a fuck"? If we don't have this that or the other; oh well...too bad/ so sad. Just suck it up, we will live without that item for a day or two. Needing milk for a child is one thing, but needing to go out there to buy $200 worth of groceries when you still have more than a few things in your fridge/freezer and pantry to cook is just consumerism taking over your life. Seriously, think about what compels you to spend despite the lack of a real need. Ever since I have adapted my brother's mentality about doing what makes me happy I've been this much more stress-free. Sure I have to deal with the daily time constraints of being on time to and from taking my daughter to school; I can't take her when I feel like of course. Sure I still have to be on time to Dr appointments, etc, but for the most part I do what I wanna do and if I don't want to, too bad. If' it isn't essential to my family's well-being then to hell with it. If it's essential to my goals then it better be prioritized differently.

I have another situation unfolding soon and it's causing me anxiety and pushing me back to the road of obligation, promises, and keeping my word despite the roller-coaster of my new found "do what I feel like when the time comes attitude". I'm not sure how I'll handle it, but for now I leave you with these 5 points:

  • Put yourself first. My friends and I laugh at an inside joke about the example of the plane safety rule: "Secure your own oxygen mask first before helping others." Maybe it should really be applied to life as well. 
  • Listen to your gut/Things happen for a reason: If my gut is saying stay home, it's best for me to stay home. Bad things have happened on many days I pushed myself to go places I didn't want to go because I felt obligated. Many times I have overslept, or ran late because of something and I get on the road frustrated about the unforeseen event that made me late. Low and behold there's a serious accident that just occurred, and had I been on time I would've been right in the middle of. God is great, I always pray for guidance. 
  • You don't always have to confront...yea I know what a shock that's coming from me. Sometimes the best option is avoidance. I used to confront people about everything. Now I just remove people from my FB feed so I don't see the bullshit they post that irks me and stay the hell away from stupid people. It's just easier to be quiet and far removed from bullshit. It only brings out the worst in you, whether it's anger/annoyance or idle gossip. I don't have time for it.
  • Stay positive and keep yourself occupied on the things that make you happy and productive. If you're busy working on what's important to you, you don't have time to get distracted and lose focus. 
  • Love your family. I mean really love them. Make time for them, and give them lots of affection. It's not just for them, it's your support system. No dream could ever come true without the help of others. Maybe it's one extra person or ten extra people. It doesn't matter. Acknowledge your friends, your family and give support as well. It helps reinforce the reasons behind the need for creating a better you.
Why We Shop: The Neuropsychology of Consumption

Friday, November 15, 2013

7 Ways to Detox Negativity

There's no better feeling like working on your goals that puts you in the right mindset to feel positive. Being positive isn't something you say you will do and you just happen to do each day. Shit happens. Sometimes I'm angered at least 3x a day and at that moment do you know what I do? I tell myself "you're not being positive"....followed by "fuck being positive I can't take this shit anymore, I'm fed up with being a mom, I'm tired". That's just life. Does it mean I shouldn't have had my children? For fuck's sake NO! Does it mean that just because I decided to become a mother, I should suffer at any cost? Hell NO! That's like saying women are asking to be raped by choosing to wear provocative clothing. When you're tired, hungry, and angry you lose it and it's okay, but when it's over, and the moment has passed don't forget to get back on the "be-positive wagon" we all fall off, but this time; make some changes. It's easy to feel like a failure when you're not achieving the results you expected you would. We naturally put that pressure on ourselves. I realized that last month. I never stop working on my goals. I may start and stop fitness routines, diets, etc, but I never quit altogether. I take breaks and mentally prepare myself for what I will do next, until I can find the balance between the anger, the emotional upsets, and all the things I have no control of, so I can keep going. 
I know this...but those 3 steps backward are so painful. 
Just like any junkie... you need to detox your life of any negativity. How can I continue to be positive and achieve my goals if nothing is changing?  How can I become a positive person if my thoughts and actions are negative?

Thanks for sharing this Michael!

1) The Goal Book: In a past post titled: 10 Steps to Doing You... I mentioned a goal book. Get a brand spanking new composition notebook and put all the things you need to do in order to achieve your goals. Give yourself deadlines, daily to-do lists, quotes to keep you going, etc. This book is dedicated to your own self-discovery. Don't forget to jot down all your thoughts, ideas, passions, talents, strengths and weaknesses.

2) Remove or limit time spent with/talking people who drain your energy or put you in a negative funk. When I'm detoxing my life even if it's for days or a week, I stay away from talking to anyone; I remain with my nuclear family and turn the world off. You don't need people to detox your life of negativity; you need to be alone with your thoughts to gain clarity.

3) Music is a MUST! For any emotion and chance of perseverance, music is therapy.

4) Write positive affirmations and or quotes on your bathroom mirror with eyeliner. Currently my bathroom mirror keeps reminding me to: Breathe, Focus, Work Harder, and that I will get there. Messages to my sweetie make him feel good too ;)

5) Take Action: Care for your body, mind, and soul. Fuck "Eat, Pray, Love". Do: "Read, Pray, Exercise". If you love yourself you will eat healthy, treat yourself, and do whatever it takes to be positive. I was waiting for some lab results for the last three weeks. All I did since was read my novels, pray, meditate on God,  think about what it means to become self-realized, and exercise because it does the mind and body good and because it makes you feel like you're in control of something when you're in control of nothing. I experienced worry and fear like anyone but I remained strong, and focused all my energy on these positive actions. Time didn't stop like it did for me before, when the results came back okay I just celebrated life and prayed some more. I'm gonna continue to Read, Pray, Exercise.

6) "Like" positive pages on Facebook and create a Pinterest account to pin up things that inspire, excite, motivate, or uplift you. My current FB feed is clogged by all my liked pages in addition to 500+ friends' posts. My friends be like: "didn't you see....? No! I didn't dammit. I'm on FB a lot but people don't understand when you "like" so much shit on FB it's almost impossible to see everything people post. Likewise, if you don't have the heart to remove toxic people, or people who irk you, or bring out your bad sides, remove them from your news feed. I do that all the time =x. Social media can be a tool that reinforces you in being positive. If you hate social media, create a vision board.

7) Make changes to your daily habits that reinforces you to be positive. I know my kids will suck the life out of me while I cook. I like to enjoy the act of taking my time cooking even if it's mixing my bread dough, or dicing onions. If I have to turn around and scream at them every 2 minutes, it makes me upset and feel frustrated leading to my own cognitive meltdown, so I plan around it. I put them in the playroom, give them a snack, put on their fave movie, put on music for them to dance, or give them something they don't get to do every day. I also used to be horrible with the laundry but once I got on top of not letting it pile up I was happier that I did, felt positively about myself and kept our house even neater which became a cycle of being productive and feeling good.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

13 Reasons Why Women Wear Makeup

About a month ago, a guy on FB was like "Why do women insist on wearing so much makeup?...Most of ya'll look somewhat decent without it". He is not the first guy asking that question nor will he be the last. I mean nobody is a fan of fake, or ridiculously heavy makeup, but again it's a transformation that makes you get noticed and stand out. I happen to love makeup, I mean not anything extreme like packing it on so deep that you can take it off with a spoon, but light foundation/powder, prettied up eyes, and magnificent lips. If you're naturally flawless good for you, but when you get tired of being plain ole "Anne" there's so much that you can do to spice things up. As a makeup enthusiast myself, I just wanted to put it out there for anyone wondering.

  1. It's in style, fashion is about attractiveness.
  2. The media makes us feel like we have to be flawless. Whether it's uneven skin or acne, we're all hiding some kind of imperfection that we're self-conscious of.
  3. Maybe we have a low self esteem; we weren't told we're beautiful enough growing up
  4. It feels so feminine.
  5. The greatest iconic women modeled such behavior.
  6. It feels so natural to wear it even though its farthest from natural. 
  7. Pictures look so exceptional! 
  8. It's about feeling really good and put together more than anything... 
  9. Sometimes I'm at home and I feel blah, the easiest way to turn that around is to put some lipstick on and wear something nice. I do it for myself not for anyone else.
  10. Who doesn't like sex appeal? It's just as hot as stockings, heels, and polished nails while giving a guy head on a porno film right?
  11. It's learned behavior, I grew up watching my mom put it on and couldn't wait for the day that I would do the same. My daughters now watch me doing it too. 
  12. Even my kids are like "oh wow that's pretty mommy!!" There's nothing like makeup to feel so oo-la-la-glamorous. It's just being different.  
  13. My momma taught me that you should always be put together. Just because you feel like a hot mess doesn't mean you shouldn't look like one. When you see a hot girl you don't think long term and expect her to fall apart, but shit happens over the years. My man should not come home to a woman who has let herself go and become a complete slob. Weight gain happens, wrinkles, boobs going south, bodies changing, etc. The way we feel is defined by the way take care of ourselves, big or small a woman should still keep herself in check like she did when the boys were whistling.

 ;) If you have Facebook, come check me out and like my page! https://www.facebook.com/MizzMichelle

Thursday, November 7, 2013

The Cute Guy on the Next Block

One winter there was this guy who had the whole bad boy look goin' on. He had swag, he had valor the way he carried himself, he had dark intense eyes. Just my type. He asked me out and I said yes right away. He had been watching me for a while every time he walked down the block. After I said yes, I started getting to know him. I only liked what I saw. He grew on me like a leach.  It wasn't even weeks when the poetry seemed like it would never end. He seemed like he was almost 1 second close to hiring a mariachi band to serenade me by my window when I decided enough was enough. I couldn't find the chemistry when we spoke or when I read those love letters. So I ended it. Just like that. The tears this dude wept were sad not because a man shouldn't cry but because they were so uncalled for. It hadn't even been that long, why are you fuckin' crying like we were meant to be? We've never even been intimate which is worse because if there was a chance of getting back together that definitely blew it. I don't want a man that cries more than I do. Fuck, I cry easily, if you're going to be crying all the time who's gonna hold me and make me feel better when I'm crying?...If we had been intimate and we're in love, then I look forward to all the affection,  and spilling of tears and emotions in a passionate way. Not only did I have to lie to him to get him to stop crying, but I had to give him false hope. Do you think a man crying over nothing could be a very good lay?

"A weak man can't handle a strong woman, he doesn't know what to do with her." 

It's no wonder why I couldn't wait to get away from that dude, he didn't even wait until I was enchanted by his magic before he unleashed that much. I didn't feel as strongly as he did. He wasn't the first guy to become horribly emotional over me breaking it off either. I wanted a man. A man in every sense of the word. The three other fellas also got to the point of becoming so emotional in such a short period of time, each of them unleashing their fury on me with spite afterwards. I was young and exploring, I toyed with their feelings and ran when it was convenient. When I did run it was always in the direction of the next charming guy, which was the most ironic thing because I was faced with total assholes after that. Karma I guess, but it surely taught me a lesson about appreciating the guys who genuinely got hurt. I reflected on that so much that when I found the total package, he became the love of my life I didn't let him go that easily. 

If I hurt you, please know that I'm genuinely sorry. We live and we learn. I can't say I would've done things differently because every step led me to where I am now and I'm so grateful. 

                     Cliché-like but true.

I read these articles and fell in love with it, it's a MUST READ! It's important if you have a relationship or ever want to be in a relationship. 

The Best Kept Secret of Highly Successful Couples

"I tried carrying the weight of the world
But I only have two hands
Hope I get the chance to travel the world
But I don't have any plans
Wish that I could stay forever this young
Not afraid to close my eyes
Life's a game made for everyone
And love is a prize."

Friday, October 18, 2013

Maria Kang, I Applaud You.

Man this Maria Kang woman can't catch a break... Okay so she asks us all what's our excuse? What's wrong with that question? The excuse is that the majority of it is mental. We know what to do but we don't do it, and won't do it till we feel like, let's just own that for a minute. She's a fitness enthusiast, and she's promoting herself. No need to get upset about that statement...it's not that serious. However I do see the outrage because narrow-minded people are walking around thinking certain clothes are only made for size 0-4 people alone. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Let's just leave it at that, don't go around hating on people having different body types who aren't crawling into a hole because they've gained weight. Hell, there are a ton of thick chicks who are hot and fit. I'm not talking about the obese heifers calling their fat asses thick, I'm talking about being smooth all over, thickness in the right places. You know the ratchet Walmart meme kinds are an extreme. Like. dude those clothes clearly don't fit. Your ass and and all four tires of your belly is hanging out. We don't want to see it and we shouldn't have to see it....that's a different story than this entirely.

Apparently there are 21 body types....who knew right? All perceptions would probably vary if we were to discuss each one. We'd all be arguing right about now. We're all different, don't apply your standards to others

Own it or Change it, simple! Don't get sloppy either way!
Obesity isn't sexy. Healthy is sexy. Confidence is sexy. I myself fight an internal battle about weight gain. My thoughts on it is purely this; we all could use improvement, we all could be at our best, we should definitely work on that not just to feel better about ourselves, but to be good role models for our kids. However, even at my worst I will not be sloppy and/or reduce myself to wearing clothes that make me look and feel like an old woman, when I'm young. Shit, I'm not where I want to be, but I'll be damned to feel like any less of a person, or less sexy because I've gained weight. I didn't take the question Maria Kang asked personally. I just took it for what it is: the truth. Use it to empower excuses, or use it as motivation. Instead the poor woman was forced to apologize and explain herself now that it's made national headlines. She isn't fat shaming anyone, you're fat shaming yourselves. I read her story a few days ago and visited her site before it became this big of a deal. I understood where she was coming from with sicknesses she witnessed in her own family. That's why I spent majority of July-August following up on GMO's and writing about it. What sense would it make to be at my goal weight while I slowly deteriorate internally? I'm still trying to find what works for me, my budget, my family, and my lifestyle.

This is a powerful video that everyone should watch and question. We live in a male-centered world where sex-appeal and sexual attraction rules everything. I don't doubt that we're bred with it. Inheriting what we learned is part of life.  Growing up all my family made jokes about my ass, and I used to hate my thunder thighs. Now I embrace my pear shape. I wear my clothes confidently. The men are still looking and whistling so if that isn't an indication of sexiness, why should I let a number on a tag be the definition of it?

I applaud her for being able to be so fit, confident, and bold. I can identify with her, she's proof that you can have it all. She says "I'm a wife, mother, business owner and nonprofit founder. I dream. I set goals. I plan. I take action. I reflect. And I repeat. Welcome to my World!"  If that's not inspirational, I don't know what is.

They say a fat bitch can lose weight, but an ugly bitch is shit outta luck. Let's learn to take a good look at ourselves before we judge people. Ya'll can stop being insecure and bashing her now. If you didn't see the coverage on Maria Kang, let me bring you up to speed:



Unnecessary but again... why do these women feel the need to share their excuses? We're not all meant to look like Maria Kang, she's just showing that you can if you really wanted to:

So you weren't told enough that you were beautiful growing up? Here get out of your insecure shells: Women, You Are Loved! by Interesting Things.

I read that the average woman's size around the world is a 10, sure we don't wanna be a 12-20 # if that was the average so why are we striving for 2's and 4's?  Here's some food for thought the next time you want to get upset about the numbers on the tag. Aim for a flat stomach instead:

"According to Stores.org, $28 billion a year of merchandise is returned to stores because of poor fit. 
An informal poll on this site shows that 42% never find clothes to fit; 40% only sometimes; 14% said rarely and only 4% said always. But you really don't care about statistics and projections: you already know that it's almost impossible to find great fit.
The real reason is pretty simple: there's no standardization in women's sizes. A U.S. size 4 could be an 8 or a 2 depending on the maker. There is a very basic guideline for fit based on a 60-year-old study done by the US Dept. of Commerce. 
Unfortunately, the 2,000 women who were measured for that study were mostly young, unmarried, white women according to Ellen Goldsberry, associate professor with The University of Arizona Division of Retailing and Consumer Studies on the university's web site.That cross-section doesn't begin to touch on the diversity of today's demographics.
Also, this old data is out-of-sync with the way women have increased in size: in 1941 the average woman was 5' 2", 129 pounds. Today she is 5' 4" and weighs 144 lbs (wearing between a 12 and 14). 
Another reason clothes never fit is that most sizes are based on the assumption that women's bodies are hourglass in nature. (Ex: A size 8 at the Gap is a 36 bust-28 waist -36 hips.) In reality, the average woman's body is much more a pear shape (smaller on top and heavier through the hips)."
Source: about.com
Be a little more open-minded. Somewhere along the line we lost common sense. Get smart bitches! 

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Corn Casserole Recipe

Okay so this isn't exactly healthy. It can be GMO-free if you get the organic corn ingredients though. This is the original recipe, an awesome side for any occasion. I promised a few friends and family this recipe. So here goes:

Corn Casserole (Serves 5-8)  


2 eggs
1 can cream style corn
1 can whole sweet kennel corn (drained)
8 oz. sour cream
1 box Jiffy corn muffin mix

2/3 stick butter

  1. Put oven on 350 degrees, put casserole dish with the butter inside the oven while it's preheating.
  2. Mix the eggs, canned corns, sour cream, and gently mix in the corn muffin mix. 
  3. Pour mixture on top of butter. Do Not Mix, just even it out a little and close the oven. 
  4. Bake for 35-45 mins depending on your oven and color likeness. Sometimes I like mine browned on the top a bit, like pictured below. 
  5. Enjoy!

Hasta Mañana...

Saturday, October 12, 2013

SAHMs: Kindly Stop the Bullshit

I saw this post circulating around Facebook for the millionth time, and I can't help but write a post about how much it fuckin' irks me. Omg, how it enrages me to think people are really that stupid to think that their self-absorbed asses who know what date nights are, and have the support of their families with child care could possibly think that their version of "fun" is truly this inaccurate bullshit. What fucking lies... I guess if I liked reading novels quietly before and had fun going to the library in search of new books then that makes me a terrible mother if I still value those things as fun. Oops, I'm a mom now, I can't enjoy a night out dancing anymore. It's forbidden. Fuck that. When you're child is saying mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, over and over while you're on the phone with a business call or you're about to burn dinner because you're busy dealing with their needs, yea tell me you're not thinking about what you need at that very moment which is peace and quiet.

Despite that reality, social media has made people even bigger fucking liars than they already were. Women on FB go on for days about how much they love being at home, gush nonstop about the same things over and over... "Oh hey everyone my kid is sick, but I had a smile on my face the entire time while I was up all night and  I scrubbed the carpet of vomit last night for the 3rd time". Yea...I'm sure that was fun, thanks for updating your facebook status to pat yourself on the back. Parenting is not cookies and cream, but I can totally see how it would be when I have witnessed a daughter give her mother an eye rolling and tongue lashing while mom did nothing but stare and smile at her. Yep, I can totally see why it would be the most treasured experience for moms like this, apparently you ain't doing jack shit. I however do not intend to raise self-entitled brats and don't have anybody giving me anything to feel perfectly content at home dwindling my fingers with no ambition for a strong sense of self. I spend the majority of my day in frustration 3-4 days out of the week, up to my eye balls in exasperation, discipline, being a broken record, because I am doing what a good mother is supposed to do; teaching these girls how to conduct themselves at home and in public. I don't feel the need to update my status when my child's pre-k teacher comes and tells me that she sees who puts in the time with their children from my child's polite mannerisms. It's not necessary because a child can be good today and a serial killer tomorrow. That's the irony of life. We don't know with great certainty who they will be when we're done with them. If you love them, truly love your children, and feel like you're blessed, and treasure being home, you would be a lot humbler and not feel the need to blatantly lie and boast on social media, instead you'd be too busy making sure you've got something to show for your hard work at home; happy, healthy, good kids. 

There's no way a person can go around being in 1 perky ass happy mood 24/7 unless you're on drugs. I can't believe I need to even make that statement, but that's the perception these fake boasting moms and people who make these quotes put out there. Like husbands and wives don't have disagreements, they don't fight about big and small stuff, your child  has never been annoying, there has never been a bad day, there is never self-doubt, your kids are always well-behaved, you've never been late, you don't have any flaws for God's sake.... I never say anything without backing it up. but again bitches will still be like "oh yea I love my life, things are perfect all day everyday. I don't know what you're talking about...." But tell me this, why do SAHMs report being sad, angry, and depressed? Click here if you really wanna know: 7 Reasons Why SAHMs Report more Sadness, Depression & Anger
I love my kids, and being a SAHM, but it comes with a lot of worries, sacrifice, and many times will bring you to tears. If anything I feel I get to do more, experience more, and grow more than if I were to work. I'm far from sad, and depressed if anything I'm fuckin' angry because people lie and put out too much bullshit.  If I judge you it's because you thought you could compete with me and put me down with subliminal attacks. Think before you speak, you're more transparent than you think, and don't try to put me down because I'm keeping it real. Nobody is better than anybody, we're just going through this phase in our life together. You're more than just a mom, don't let that diminish who you were, and who you are.

Friday, October 11, 2013

George Carlin: Possibly the Smartest MothaFucker...

In the last 2-3 weeks I lost track of all the goddamn things I promised myself I would do. I'm like a helpless addict who relapses repeatedly. I cannot be helped. I was going to bed steadily by 1 am and now I'm back to 4 am bedtimes.... If you keep up with my blog, how many times have you heard this? I'm always fucking myself. My exercise routine slowly dwindled down to crap. I have nobody to hold accountable but myself. I regained all the lbs lost and probably more. Self loathing doesn't even describe what happens when I lose sight of my goals.

Growing up my mom initially made us go to bed by a certain time, eventually we went to bed whenever we felt like it...I wore what I wanted, I ate when I felt like it, I did what I wanted, the only thing I didn't do was go when and where I wanted.That's about it. West Indian parents keep their daughters locked at home unless the reason is academic...Sneaking around is what girls do. We lie, we sneak around even after being busted, we have boyfriends nobody knows about, we curse, we fight, and maintain a demeanor of innocence at the same time. All because the self-discipline was never established. Parents have an inkling of what's going on but don't let on unless confronted with rumors. I recently spoke to a girl that said she and her siblings really don't lie to her parents because they feel too guilty, they were succumbed to tears after telling a white lie many times. That's the children we want to raise... I always wonder how can we raise our children to feel such a strong desire to keep the faith and trust we put in them?

Anyhow, this week I got my shit together on the workout front, but you know I realized there's a totally bigger problem, bigger than all of us while I try to do it all and stay on point. The problem stems specifically from the government and society, its a trickle down effect. People are so hung up on consumer economy. Forget about materialism, its the drive we have telling us to work and establish ourselves in society. Why do we need so much? I couldn't figure it out before until I realized we bought into it specifically last year. I thank my brother for opening my eyes to this the other day when we had a long talk discussing all kinds of politics and government. Before when we were renting I was content for the last five years of doing so, I never questioned when will we settle down, when will we do this, when will we do that... Eventually moving became too much and we needed stability for our family, but the degree to which we decided to become stable was on a large scale. The loss or lack of self-discipline comes from exactly as George Carlin said:

"The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

There's too much truth to this...numerous things listed that I'm guilty of myself. I came from such a big and wonderful family. If someone had told me this is where we'd be 10 years ago, I'd laugh in their face and say no way...but the truth is; the way we've all been divided and scattered is unimaginable. I remained isolated, neutral to any sides and allowed the distance to grow myself. I've been focusing on my own little circle because it's not worth it. I just have to instill the ideals my matriarchal grandmother shared with all of us to my kids. Minding my own business is the best thing I can do, because there is nothing  that you can do to get through to anyone who doesn't seek out self-realization. Nobody cares, I've accepted that. We're too blind sighted by the culture of consumer economy, there's no room for change at this point. The government shutdown is proof of that.

It used to take a village to raise a child, now you have so many single people doing it alone; no help, no support system whatsoever. Even I complain a lot despite having a hands-on husband. I complain because dealing with my kids is nonstop, I'm too damn tired, I don't have the support system. We see our families only a couple times a year. Having a sitter from time to time is a breath of fresh air. Our children will never know what it's like to have an enormous family who are always there to morally support each other. For me that's the sad reality of the trickle-down effect.

Fend for yourselves.    

Thursday, October 10, 2013

The Friend Zone

Word of the Day: this is what I am.
When I met my husband 13 years ago, I was 14 years old on the first day of high school. I had a really bad breakup that year, but managed to get into another bad relationship right before school started in the fall.  Most people are like "what the fuck did you know at 14 years old... when I was 14 I played with dolls" or maybe not that extreme but you get the point. If you grew up in New York City, you know all about how girls grow up fast and how mean the streets generally were especially if you had a pretty face paired with a fat ass. I was in the fifth grade walking down the street with my mom the first time a boy hollered at me and tried to talk to me despite my mother clearly being there. So by 14, I already had been in tons of trouble, despite being a model student in school. Fights in the street, trouble with the boys, getting in trouble at home, I was a fuckin' magnet for danger. By God's grace I didn't get hurt aside from the few broken hearts I endured. I wasn't a saint by any means though, I too broke hearts, and caused more trouble than was necessary.

On the first day of school, I remember it clearly as if it were yesterday walking in my new sexy matching outfit, heels and new hairstyle, I felt so fly with my berry-burgundy lipstick and matching nails. I hadn't seen anyone all summer and this was high school now...I had to be there dressed my best to impress. As I walked by myself, my thoughts were racing, and I felt so lost. I didn't know what the fuck I wanted out of life and where the next four years would take me. I just knew I was tired of guys being douches and wanted someone steady. If anything I felt down because my loser boyfriend hadn't shown up to drive me to school on the first day.

When I saw my now husband...it wasn't a love at first sight affair. I looked at him and despised his choice of clothes and immediately categorized him as a guy I'd never go out with. That first month of school was life-changing when he decided to take the  seat of biggest guy in our class. We began talking because now he sat right next to me and it was an art class. Every time I talked to him, I just grew more attracted to him. I was excited to go to class and we became great friends. He talked about the future, he talked about his ambitions, karate, computers, possible careers. I talked about my favorite things, my family, my love of books, music, movies, dancing, the art we worked on,  and what I wanted in the future which was ultimately a stable relationship and career. No boyfriend before him took the time to get to know me on that level as he did as a friend. The moment he talked about getting married and children in the future in addition to all those ambitions I was swept away, mind blown at 14 years young. He was the smartest person I've ever known at that age with a deep sense of self, and autonomy. Even now, I don't know anyone more intelligent than he is. Together we're dynamite, the way we brainstorm together and create ideas and solutions. Three years down the line an older friend in her late 20's said to me "you think Chris blows your mind now, but will he a couple years from now?". I took the question into serious consideration, and every time someone was interested in me I compared them to him and they could never come close to that level.

I know I stirred up the pot of emotions this week with my post: Is Your Spouse Replaceable? A lot of you guys were on G+ like "no way, yes!", and other explanations of why "people can't be replaced" etc. I truly feel a spouse can be replaced but that exclusive connection you have with someone even if they're a friend can never be replaced. I personally can't replace my spouse in that way. If you married that person you have that amazing energy with, it doesn't matter how life changes, you will still share that electricity, and that magical power will overcome anything. I mean anything in terms of trials and tribulations, not deceit. Similarly there are relationships that have ended but you will always have mad love for that person and a genuine concern over their well-being and that's okay.

I know today dating has changed, it's about what each person brings to the table materially. Don't shut that person down and let that stop you from finding that connection. Being grateful for the moment only attracts more things to be grateful for.

We had nothing when we met but our extraordinary togetherness became our world and the stupid and trivial things that were slowly acquired were the evidence of that blessed love.  

Monday, October 7, 2013

Is Your Spouse Replaceable?

Every so often I think about what if I died first, leaving the kids with my husband that I almost halfheartedly pretend to forget that there's a possibility that he parts first. It's like impossible, that can't happen, especially not to me right? My dad passed when I was 12. I feel like it would be a cold cruel joke. The first thing that happens is my chest tightens and I get a knot in my throat, my mouth becomes dry, and my brain panics. I start thinking "no, think good thoughts!". Yes anxiety immediately arises. I wonder if all women feel the same way at the momentary thought of such a commonplace occurrence. Statistics show women live longer than their male counterparts, so of course the possibility is higher.

Preparing for things is what I do. However nothing can prepare you for death. So what do I do? I talked about it with him. Honestly my world would be so grim because I'm such a brat. I want for nothing but more time. Next week will be 13 years since we've been together and I can't ask for a better man. All my needs and demands are met. He understands me completely, and I wonder if anyone else ever could

I'm needy, spoiled, and can't be alone. I need a warm body more than the average person it seems. I adapted a "no babies in the bed policy" from the time the kids were born to ensure our sex life wouldn't dwindle down to a boring once a week/ no sex routine. I need thrill, I need excitement. We're a jealous couple. One of my friends said "how can you deal with the jealousy?" I get jealous too, but when he's jealous I thrive on it. A little jealousy is good for the relationship, it keeps us on toes, you're not going to take someone for granted if you know they could start looking elsewhere right? Look at jealousy like quality assurance...it makes sure you're staying up to code in your love life. Think about the hot tears and sweat of make-up sex. There's nothing like it.

Will they like 69? 
There's an episode of  the show "Everybody Loves Raymond" where Marie chooses a partner for Frank. I don't know who I could be with...I just know that I can't be alone. But then there's the sickening thought of the current dating scene...people just talking, no commitment required. I've got "baggage", will they accept my kids, respect my ideals, or will my happiness be a priority to them? Will they be good in bed? Will they have good hygiene, and style? Knowing damn well that he can be so jealous and possessive sometimes, I ask this guy how he feels about me moving on after his demise anyway... and you know what he says? He says "find someone and move on...do what you have to do".  Shocked me out of my senses to hear him say that. This is the same guy that asks me when I will be back before I have left the house, the guy who tracks my iPhone when I leave...and much more possessive behavior. That's the kind of person he is; selfless, even I couldn't say the same to him about moving on. Hopefully time will be on my side,  but I will say with great certainty though, that I will be a fish out of water and be looking to get back in the sea because I can't live without that physical love.

"Make love like you have no secrets, like you’ve never been left, never been hurt,  like the world don’t owe you a single wretched thing." -Warsan Shire

You can never know what life has in store, get your shit in order in the meantime:
Article: Widowed at 26, How life insurance became my lifeboat.