Sunday, January 27, 2013

My Spirit was Killed this Weekend.

Time Management... ughh I hate the sound of that shit already. I remember taking a class called student success in college, a really good class for all freshmen that covered topics like time management. It's been almost 9 years since that class and even though I took a lot of things from that class, I didn't necessarily practice them, until recently. I'm forced into things that mess up all my fun of spontaneity. Having kids makes you grow up, maybe not so much with my first child, but more so with the second. I feel like the glory days are over haha... No, no, no!!! They're not over, they are POSTPONED...yes, that makes me feel so much better. I've been staying up for hours upon hours, blogging, dancing to my music, singing, all the things that keeps me youthful...until I crashed on Thursday night after cooking my lo mein.

"85% of people use music to escape negative things in their life."

I literally crashed. I couldn't move, my body ached, my throat was sore, my heart was racing, my eyes couldn't be kept open, I left my kids with my husband as soon as he came in the door and went to bed. When he came to check on me I had a 101 fever. Fuck...I must be coming down with the flu. After some food and uninterrupted rest for 10 hours, I woke up fresh, like nothing happened to me. I googled to see if maybe I had strep throat, nope, just exhaustion. I was burnt out. My close friends joke about my googling, but I don't care. Fuck it. As the saying goes...

"You can never be overdressed or over-educated." 

I love to be dressed up, even if I'm overdressed at an occasion. Education is my passion and seeing chronic fatigue syndrome online and how sleep deprivation causes heart disease, really opened my eyes. I make all this effort to be healthy, I eat all the right things, watch my weight like a hawk, eat my bad treats I like in moderation, keep up on all health news, and I try to get back on exercise despite all the times I fall off the wagon, yet sleep had been my ultimate downfall. That night I really felt sick and I never wanna feel like that again. It sucked because this meant not only do I need to get to bed at a reasonable time, but I have to sacrifice the part of me that feels exhilarated staying up late like I don't have a damn care in the world. At that moment I cursed my family. LOL. Yea.. I bet some people reading this are like "what the fuck does you're family have to do with this? This is on you, bitch!" LOL well, my family alwaysss made it their business to tell me shit I didn't wanna hear, from my mom, my aunts, and my cousins way back in the day when I was working on my goals like getting married. Bullshit like "Oh you know Michelle, you put on some weight there....Really? I couldn't tell when my ass was standing in front the mirror before I came here, and my clothes felt tight. "You know what you must try?...Michelle just focus on your school and getting a good job". Nobody was saying; "look come over here and see how much of my identity I've lost being a SAHM, Michelle you're going to have to go to bed early, it's not easy, Michelle this is the end of all your fun!" 

So yea that was the realization, that I can't have my pie and eat it too again. Anyone who knows me, knows this very well about me, I want it ALL and I won't stop until I can get near it all. I want the kids and the MILF body. I want the well behaved children without raising my voice, I want to be healthy and toned without the exercise, I want to stay up all night, and sleep for 12 hours at a time. I'm no longer single and childless, and it's finally dawned on me 5 years later. I have no choice but to adapt and move on. Bitching about it didn't change anything. I hate change in fact.

So I am getting to bed early from now on, maybe it'll last, maybe it won't but I have to try. My mom always said;

"It's better to try and fail, than fail to try."

So far tonight I was able to enjoy 3 hours of my alone time with my music and hanging out, I don't know if I am content/satisfied yet. I always want more, but I'm determined to find my balance. Goodnight, I bid you farewell.

"The modern world is personal; people want to know intimate things" -Nigella Lawson 

Hasta MaƱana!