Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Blue is NOT my Color but I Wear it Boldly Anyway

I usually don't go this long without blogging, but this weekend exhausted me beyond belief. I feel like I'm being pulled back into the darkness again. I started dreaming again. With quality sleep for me has consequences. As far as I can remember, dreams have meant something significant to me. Direct correlations to life. I had some dark themed dreams last week that disturbed me, which I'd rather not discuss. On Saturday while I waited patiently for the puppy to come home, I found a frog in our shower that scared the life out of me. Some people think spirituality is a crock of shit, but I have never been able to distance myself from it. I don't want to believe everything has meaning, but somehow the pieces fit a puzzle in my life. My grandma was like that too, if she had a sudden bad feeling, bad news was on it's way. Before I could think of what the frog meant, much less thinking about how it got there, my friend said it signifies good luck and transitions. There the thoughts began. I'm in transition indeed and I'm scared. A lot is changing this year, I don't cope well with stress. Some say it's bad. All these stupid interpretations, and you remember this is FL, coincidence or not? The native Americans, the indigenous tribes in Africa, Australia, the Mayans, the Egyptians, etc. all believed in spirit matter. Western society however, makes you feel foolish for even thinking that maybe there is a deeper connection.

Lately I feel like I've been so busy with our move next month and stressing about staying on track of my goals. I was on a quest to get myself back. Not just to get my pre-pregnancy body back, but the me I was before children,  before losing my identity, before going through ups and downs, turmoil, resentment, hatred, and most of all  fear and depression. That's the thing about fear it overwhelms you and it can engulf you if you let it. Just when I felt motivated and focused I have a setback and now I feel as if I'm going backward. My latest qualms are all about the future, my mind races, I keep thinking about what's going to happen, or what could happen. I was even pulled back into materialism this past month, thinking about the decor I would work on after I moved, excitement and illusion took me away from what I worked so hard to stay on top of which was self-liberation. If I don't think of God, listen and recite mantras daily, I fall prey to sadness, worry, and stress when something like the stupid meaning of a frog randomly appears in my shower, or when it doesn't work out with a puppy I fell in love with instantly. I was genuinely sad to see her go, she pulled my heart strings when we had to give her up. I felt like a mother giving her child away. I couldn't handle a crying puppy, and two crying kids, and that in turn made me feel like a failure. Insult to injury was added when I was told that I couldn't handle two kids, why was I crazy enough to consider a dog. Just because I'm a SAHM doesn't mean that kids are not as overwhelming as having a job and having kids, and just because someone else is able to do it with three children and a dog, certainly doesn't mean I should be able to. People are different and their support systems are different, thus their experiences will be different. Experiences then changes people into different people etc. It's a cycle, but for some reason people feel the need to compare one another all the time.
"Comparison is the thief of joy" 
I know I'm unique and can't be compared to anyone, but it makes me pissed when people are doing the comparison. When I get blue like this from time to time, I can feel the stress, and see it on my brush. The kids become harder to deal with and I'm no good to anyone. I feel like I need a change in scenery. I took a break from it all. I let myself have a good cry about everything that was bothering me, and now it's time to be positive all over again because I'm human, flawed just like everyone else. I pray about everything, I listened to my songs, disconnected from everyone, watched a good movie last night,  had a drink,  hugged my kids, organized my thoughts by talking about it, made sweet love with my sensible husband and now I'm here back on the horse. This is a journal of self-discovery. I  have much work to do on myself, I need to retrain my thoughts and remind myself that "God is Great" and "Everything will be okay". I'm as real as it gets, I never pretend to be all perfect like some mom blogs. Prayer has to be my constant regardless of how many changes are happening, I've been losing sight of that.

I'm neurotic and my emotions get the best of me.  I found these images recently that sums up the negative effects of emotions. I thought I'd share it with you guys because while it may not be a big deal today or tomorrow, the long term effects of our feelings is something we need to be conscious of.

I'd get a glass of my favorite wine and say cheers to no more emotional roller-coaster rides if it was just that simple. We all know I'd be in AA long before that happens. 

Hasta MaƱana...