Wednesday, February 27, 2013

If I Died Tomorrow

Today my friend told me about her friend's friend if that makes sense. Her friend's friend died in her sleep at the age of 37. It's sad, that's really young. I've always been afraid of death and dying. I imagine how fast my husband would be to move on  with another woman and the horrors of  a step mother my girls would have to deal with. Jealousy immediately overcomes me. Let's face it, men are the first to move on compared to their female counterparts and also the quickest at moving on. The need for a woman not just to fuck but to take care them is like the need for air. I feel fury and sadness at the thought of my girls growing up without a mother, and then I think about my exit. I used to be sooo freakin scared to die, still scared now, but not like I used to be. My faith has restored some strength in me. I know it's all in God's hands, and I mustn't get too attached to material enjoyment. From time to time, I begin to worrying about all the what-if's and shit that happens. The soul is immortal but me as I sit here and type this, is all apart of the material world. We see bad things happening to good people, and heinous crimes being committed and wonder about heaven and hell. My consciousness has been elevated to another level with the understanding that this is the material world we're living in. People and things have no real meaning to the soul. We're here to pay off our debts and get to higher levels of consciousness. Liberation if you must. Only until we reach moksha can we stop the cycle of rebirth/suffering and enter unto paradise. That might not be your beliefs but it's mine.

My mom is the vainest person I know. If we weren't family I'm unsure if we'd be friends. Since I was a child she used to prepare me for "God Forbid I die"...She gave me specific instructions as I am the oldest, it was my responsibility. She even made very clear instructions to things pertaining her hair, nails, outfit, and shoes! Shoes is a must she says, even though our religion condemns it. She mentioned things like jewelry even, lol.  I know scary thought that I'm in charge of all this. If she doesn't get her way she just might haunt me, she said so! She's quite a character, that's probably where I get it from. I take pride in my appearance a lot too, but before my exit I think I'd really like to create a manifesto if you will right here right now. God forbid it be soon, I love my family too dearly to depart so soon. I need to see grandchildren at the very least!

What  I would like to be dressed in is simple. Red is my favorite color, everyone who knows me knows this. Even before red lips came back I've been rockin them relentlessly. My lips should be matte red, liplined with a darker burgundy like I always do. I want my makeup done by a makeup artist, I mean full makeup, contouring, bronzer, blush, even mascara if it could be done. I mean impeccable makeup, not ok makeup. It's my exit, I'm entitled aren't I? I want my eyeliner to be as it always is, beautifully exotic like cleopatra but not too thick. My hair should be in tight curls like a porcelain doll and I should wear a beautiful red dress. My nails should be done to match as well. As for jewelry I don't despise silver, but I'd rather gold toned cosmetic jewelry. Earrings and a necklace is a must. I don't need a watch like my mom does but it'd be nice to wear some gold bangles and a yellow sapphire looking ring would be nice too. The viewing should be short, and the casket should be cheap, there's absolutely no reason to spend a ridiculous amount on a casket or more time spent if I'm gone. I would want my family to just say good-bye and move on.

I just want people to surround my girls with love. Bitches can keep their hands off my husband, lol but I truly would like for the girls to grow up with my friends and family who despite their busy lives make the time to enrich my girls with something invaluable. Keeping in touch isn't as hard as it used to be. A simple phone call to tell them something that instills self confidence, esteem, values, morals, or a story about what their mother would say or do in their pressing situation could make all the difference in their life. I only want for their well-being and happiness. I will have faith that I'm destined to see them grow into adulthood though.

Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof. -Khalil Gibran