Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Power Hungry and Happy

Last week I said some things that I meant out loud and I got somewhat bashed for it. I think there comes a time in your life when you shouldn't give two shits about what other people think. Do they pay my bills? Are they here when I need help? Do they give a fuck about my happiness? Why are we warped in a culture that feeds the need for approval from others? I'll tell you why...people's parents probably never gave them enough love as children or didn't validate their thoughts and feelings. I've grown to accept who I am. This isn't a self-entitled speech saying it's okay to hurt people or bully anyone but a statement to say that as women and as moms we're bombarded by all kinds of stereotypes and pressures. I can't be bothered by people who don't know me but judge me. I'm blunt, I get it, I'm confrontational I get it, but that doesn't make me a fuckin monster...

I'm just as real as everybody pretends not to be. There's no shame in that. When I met my husband we were 14 years old. I wanted to be accepted by his family so badly. For years I did everything the right way growing up when we met up until I was in college. I followed all the west indian expectations, etc.. Did it help me? Not one bit. Does it even matter now? Hell no...If there was anybody most unhappy during that time in my life when people mattered so much to me it was me. People constantly disappointed me. I was always hurt by things people said because I cared too much. I lost relationships with family members and friends. I learned to stop giving a fuck. When I did that that's when I grew to love myself. Too many times we put others first as women because we watched our mothers do so growing up or because it was the most natural thing to do. I'm a mother now and I still find myself not taking as good of a care of myself as I put my girls first. It sucks. I'm human. I have good days and bad days just like anyone else. If more people admitted to the fact that life sometimes is hard, is a struggle, then the world would be a better empathetic and supportive place. Instead everything is a competition.

Don't be trying to compete with me either, I'm in a league of my own. 
If you are a people pleaser, a pushover, a doormat  a conformist, don't stand up for yourself or others...Ask yourself why? Imitation is suicide. You've heard the expression "You were born an original, don't die a copy". Find yourself, find the things that bring you personal fulfillment. Listen and observe people around you keenly. Question everything you think you know. Create goals for yourself that push you out of your comfort zone. Now I'm not saying be like me and start blowin' expletives all over the place. Be who you are that's all.

I will be honest with you, society doesn't welcome leaders, they breed a herd of sheep followers through the educational system. The way they force people into debt to feed consumer economy is a discussion for another day. Be prepared to stand alone. I personally am not tied to a "job", or people outside of my immediate family. I have no close relationships with extended family members and my circle of close-knit friends is very small. I have no support other than my husband during my day to day with the kids. I am in seek of personal development, growing our business and networking. Self-sufficiency is the key to autonomy. Relying on others will make you weak. If you want to learn more about yourself; check out the book "The 50th Law" by 50 Cent and Robert Greene. 50 is my mentor. I like listening to not just his music but his interviews, and reading about his ideals. His book has really opened my mind to a whole new world. A world of new possibilities followed by teachings from Alan Watts, Kevin Trudeau, Robert Greene, The Secret, and the Hindu religion.

Find your power and take control of your life. We are not defined by circumstances, but by the results of our adversity. Hasta MaƱana...

Monday, April 22, 2013

Pleasure Seeking Motives...

Warning: This is a TMI post...

In the past month, I've kinda stopped exercising. It sucks!! I say kinda because my ass hasn't been sitting in a chair the whole time. I'm on my feet all day, it's been nonstop. I'm still not done unpacking. I used to hate exercising, but now I can't wait to get back to it. I wanna feel nice and firm like I've been feeling. My muscles feel nice, and my stomach felt like it was sucked in without any effort. I started in the end of January, with cardio, then added strength, and maintained both until my moving period.  I hate making excuses, but when your environment is not on track, it's harder for you to be on track. There were times I let my house get a little crazy, from laundry in the baskets, and chores piling up like dishes and my mind felt foggy. The moment I got back on my shit like I was supposed to be, I felt better. So I'm working on that. I'm working on getting my house in order so that I can get back to a routine. The kids have been going to bed at odd times as well, so that doesn't help. Now why am I in a hurry to get back on track of exercise you might ask? The month of not exercising is dampening those feel good and firm effects.

My energy levels are lower, and I feel in need of a pick me up. If you hate exercising like I did, let me fill you in on a little something that just might motivate you to get your ass moving.... hehe =x It goes back to the little pleasure-seeking devil I am. When I got to around 7 weeks of exercising 6x a week...I found myself having multiple orgasms, stronger orgasms, and even more strength doing stuff that were harder to do before. Lol now I'm not saying I'm doing the wheelbarrow or anything just yet, but my stamina has definitely been increased. I'm always up for anything, I'm not a lazy lover. If you like adventure also, there's this website you have to check out! It's expensive that's the only problem... [I'll give you the site in a sec before I run off on another tangent.] If you read 50 Shades of Grey, you know why Christian wanted Ana to get a trainer in the beginning...


I didn't lose any more than the 8 lbs I lost before which is nothing compared to my 25 lb goal. I've been maintaining for the most part. Exercise makes me feel good, feel healthy, feel proactive, in control of my life, and sexy. If you've been putting off your exercise, delaying getting started, then think about the ecstasy you're going to increase exponentially =D I used to start exercising, then stop, and never get back on it, until a year later. Back and forth I went because shit happens. You can be so gung-ho about doing things you need to do, and then after being derailed by a series of events you feel like you've already failed so you stop trying.

 I  saw this awhile ago and it inspired me to keep going. Even if I don't get much exercise in this week, I will keep at it.  

"Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy."
-Norman Vincent Peale 

SideBar Site: I love this site, I'm trying to get my hubby on board to buy a chaise from there...but again it's so pricey! Liberator.com

Check out this bed. I wanted it instantly but again it was wayyyy over budget; Orbit Bed

Monday, April 15, 2013

Through Challenges Come Strength or So They Say...

Hellooo Everyone!!! I am officially back after my 3 week hiatus. The past month has been the most grueling time of my life. Uncertainty at every corner, patience being tested, hard work, questioning your strength, faith, and all that you're trying to accomplish. I'm so tired. I feel burnt out...exhaustion doesn't even explain how I feel mentally, physically, and  emotionally. Change is hard regardless of if it's a positive change. My kids have been sucking the life out of me too. Not having any help really sucks. It's nice having your privacy and living far but the times you could use some support there is none and it takes a serious toll. My mom says "you're born alone and you die alone", and that's the truth of life. Self-reliance is the most important thing. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? How many times have I heard that stupid line... It doesn't make you stronger, it just stresses you out. Which is why I'm sick again. I always get sick right after a stressful event. Thought I would lose it but I'm here now. Focused and sure that I will get back on track of my goals. I moved and I hope it will be my last move for a long, long, time. The last 6 years all I did was move almost every year. I need stability now more than ever. I was at a crossroad for so long. Sometimes the past can haunt you and subconsciously prevent you from making a choice that you're scared to make. I didn't realize how much my dad's death affected me emotionally and my worry over the future until we were about to move to our first home the day after his 15 year death anniversary. Memories were flooding back, anxiety was rising, fear and dread spilled in like a plaque. I couldn't even be happy, things never made me truly happy. I'd get excited up until the newness was gone. Last week I felt like could things be too good to be true?

We weren't sure if we wanted to stay in FL or just pack up and go to California while we were not committed here yet. The problem is that it was too much of a risky move for us, too much too soon. I feel harried as it is, having major life changes every year, and now our daughter beginning school this year required us to think about our life plans. Nothing tied us anywhere. Our extended family have nothing to do with our daily life so it wasn't even a consideration.

We always had a plan since we met as teens. It was to finish college, get married, and have our kids early, so that when we were in our early 40s we'd be able to travel and enjoy each other all over again in the most carefree and independent way because the kids would be in college and on their own and we'd still be pretty young. If we picked up and went to Cali then there would be a hiccup in our plan as it takes time to get there, find a job, get established, then the time it takes to adapt to somewhere new. I think Cali is still on the table, but at the rate our life is going at to stay on course with the plan, it certainly would've derailed us. Florida has been good to us, it's working so there's no need to uproot and create chaos just yet. There's no room for self-produced setbacks.

My heart goes out to the people in Boston's explosion today. I can't even wrap my head around what those people must have felt. Six months ago, my husband and I were making the decision whether we'd stay in FL and he purposely applied to some jobs that sparked his interest in different areas. It was like leaving our life up to the toss of a coin. There was the most amazing job that we'd move in a heartbeat for, located in Boston. I told him if it's meant to be, then it will be that you get a call back from Boston and we'll move back up north closer to family. There were no replies and we just took it as the universes' way of saying stay where you are. I was a little disappointed in the beginning but I'm thankful for it not turning into an opportunity. Hearing news like this is so disturbing in addition to the situation with North Korea...Time will only tell what happens. 

I have to remind myself of this...it's so hard sometime: