Monday, April 15, 2013

Through Challenges Come Strength or So They Say...

Hellooo Everyone!!! I am officially back after my 3 week hiatus. The past month has been the most grueling time of my life. Uncertainty at every corner, patience being tested, hard work, questioning your strength, faith, and all that you're trying to accomplish. I'm so tired. I feel burnt out...exhaustion doesn't even explain how I feel mentally, physically, and  emotionally. Change is hard regardless of if it's a positive change. My kids have been sucking the life out of me too. Not having any help really sucks. It's nice having your privacy and living far but the times you could use some support there is none and it takes a serious toll. My mom says "you're born alone and you die alone", and that's the truth of life. Self-reliance is the most important thing. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? How many times have I heard that stupid line... It doesn't make you stronger, it just stresses you out. Which is why I'm sick again. I always get sick right after a stressful event. Thought I would lose it but I'm here now. Focused and sure that I will get back on track of my goals. I moved and I hope it will be my last move for a long, long, time. The last 6 years all I did was move almost every year. I need stability now more than ever. I was at a crossroad for so long. Sometimes the past can haunt you and subconsciously prevent you from making a choice that you're scared to make. I didn't realize how much my dad's death affected me emotionally and my worry over the future until we were about to move to our first home the day after his 15 year death anniversary. Memories were flooding back, anxiety was rising, fear and dread spilled in like a plaque. I couldn't even be happy, things never made me truly happy. I'd get excited up until the newness was gone. Last week I felt like could things be too good to be true?

We weren't sure if we wanted to stay in FL or just pack up and go to California while we were not committed here yet. The problem is that it was too much of a risky move for us, too much too soon. I feel harried as it is, having major life changes every year, and now our daughter beginning school this year required us to think about our life plans. Nothing tied us anywhere. Our extended family have nothing to do with our daily life so it wasn't even a consideration.

We always had a plan since we met as teens. It was to finish college, get married, and have our kids early, so that when we were in our early 40s we'd be able to travel and enjoy each other all over again in the most carefree and independent way because the kids would be in college and on their own and we'd still be pretty young. If we picked up and went to Cali then there would be a hiccup in our plan as it takes time to get there, find a job, get established, then the time it takes to adapt to somewhere new. I think Cali is still on the table, but at the rate our life is going at to stay on course with the plan, it certainly would've derailed us. Florida has been good to us, it's working so there's no need to uproot and create chaos just yet. There's no room for self-produced setbacks.

My heart goes out to the people in Boston's explosion today. I can't even wrap my head around what those people must have felt. Six months ago, my husband and I were making the decision whether we'd stay in FL and he purposely applied to some jobs that sparked his interest in different areas. It was like leaving our life up to the toss of a coin. There was the most amazing job that we'd move in a heartbeat for, located in Boston. I told him if it's meant to be, then it will be that you get a call back from Boston and we'll move back up north closer to family. There were no replies and we just took it as the universes' way of saying stay where you are. I was a little disappointed in the beginning but I'm thankful for it not turning into an opportunity. Hearing news like this is so disturbing in addition to the situation with North Korea...Time will only tell what happens. 

I have to remind myself of this...it's so hard sometime: