Tuesday, May 28, 2013

"Man Plans and God Laughs"

My oldest Isabella will be 4 years old next week. I've been working on her party plans for weeks. We're excited that she'll be starting school soon, but so many things are changing. I've never been fond of change even though the prospect of new chapters and adventures excite me. I realized that I don't fear change I fear the transition. Transitions can be hard and scary, it takes time to adapt to the unexpected and unplanned circumstances that begin and end the process of change. Things are shaken up and then stabilize. I knew that this was going to be completely uprooting year for us, but there's no way to prepare for it. If you're like me, you're emotionally driven. But hey...isn't that what makes us human? Emotions that fuel motivation and action?

If praise taps into motivation, then we all must be emotionally driven, no?

I was in the shower this afternoon pouting about a lot of things. A new job always means the prospect for better financial standing/security but it's always at a cost. Sleep lost, precious time lost, privileges lost, and most of all the loss of freedom... I'm a spoiled brat I know, the better it becomes the more I bitch and complain. That's when I came to the conclusion that I can't go on "hanging my mouth" like my husband says, everyday. For some reason I have just been forced into rejection mode every time I don't get what I want. It's a character flaw believe me I know. It goes in stages, the first is where I automatically reject that the situation is happening, complain about it, then go into withdrawal; a complete depressive state which I just say fuck everything, because I see no solution thus the world must be over. That withdrawal stage is like a black plague hanging over my head and it takes the longest to get past. Eventually I get to point of making peace with everything and then I can be a positive productive part of society again. You'd think I'd stop being a drama queen with how grateful I say I am. Despite how grateful you are you you can't erase your bad habits. I fight the old too much...

While I am sane I am also insane...Where I was once positive I am also negative. When I seek out a balance a monkey wrench gets thrown on the scale. The fact is I'm far from normal. The last time I mentioned a few things to a friend she said if I was her wife she would beat me, lol. Most of the time I'm this girl standing by the window. Not knowing whether to enjoy the beautiful breeze or to jump outta the window. Even if you know you're not like everybody else who are so chill and relaxed, nonchalant about even the big stuff, you can't help but wish you were "normal".  There has to be a reason for all this. I'm waiting for my moment to break all the boundaries I mentally built myself. They say the first step is acceptance. I think I made that first step in the shower today. I can choose to fear and reject transitions. A control freak like myself can only handle so many things out of her absolute control as minor as they may be. Or I can be amazing and live a magical life.

Who doesn't want to be amazing and live a magical life?

"Man plans and God laughs"- I know this yet I plan everything anyway. I get upset when what's meant to be will be anyway.  Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I didn't realize that's what I was doing...