Monday, May 13, 2013

The Ultimate Overachiever

The summer is coming up, and I'm no closer to my goal than I was 6 weeks ago. Moving took a while to get settled. I'm officially settled in though, every room is completely unpacked. . There's so much I want to do, so many ideas, and things I still need to buy. I spent the last three weekends going shopping, buying little things here and there. The house is slowly coming together. I was aiming for a middle to far eastern theme. I can't wait to start a DIY project like painting. If you ever saw that movie "Limitless" I want to be Bradley Cooper, I want that drug so bad, where I could do anything and accomplish a million things in one day and absorb any material while flipping pages. I could use that shit right now. I bite off more than I can chew. I'm going through some personal issues right now that I don't wish to discuss because it makes me sad. I will discuss it in the future it's not a secret or anything I just know that a lot of people love to hear that you're going through something rather than genuinely say you know what I'm sorry I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. The world is full of bitches that find happiness in your sorrows. I went for my annual physical last month and my doctor was like you need to get to bed at 10:30 pm the latest. She was really stern. I gawked at her as if she said something so incomprehensible...I could eat healthy all I want, and preach to you what are the right things for good health and longevity but I'm screwing myself up by running myself down. I'm mentally exhausted. I haven't been following Dr's orders that's the bottom line.. I'm hoping things will be better without making changes and my stress levels be alleviated. I want it fucking all....

I thought I was super mom, super woman but my body is betraying me. I love staying up all night reading, and writing. I feel turned on by the creative juices that flow through me on a daily basis. To sit and actually put my thoughts into actions is where the problem lies. Always some distraction, someone needing me, something in my way. The kids were fucking sick last week with high temperatures that drove me insane. I can never be calm when my girls are sick. Both of em especially.  What will I do when they start school? I will be the school's nightmare of course, probably cursing every parent who brings their snot nosed children to school to infect the others. I need a vacation to myself. I need a nanny, I need the resources to get everything taken cared of for me so I can work on my business. I started reading two books, and have been back to exercising however not as many times a week as I was hoping to. That put together with trying to teach my almost 4 yr old how to write and playing with the baby, cooking, cleaning, laundry, time with my husband isn't enough. I need more time. I spent some time reading scriptures to pull me back to self-realization. I need to stay grounded.

My husband starts a new job in two weeks...A great job.
The truth: I can't help but feel a little jealous...a teeny tiny bit; that he gets 8 hours a day to devote to what he loves doing and is passionate about completely uninterrupted. Meanwhile I hold the fort down at home and put my drives on the back burner. I'm not a lazy person, I don't waste time hanging out with people, watching tv all day, or doing useless things, then complain that I'm not where I want to be. If you want something you have to hustle,  you have to stop wasting precious time with useless people and keep grinding. Take a break yes of course by all means. You have to stay sane too. My breaks are usually on FB bullshitting and amusing myself with fuckin' hilarious memes, and chatting with my really good friends. I don't got time on the weekend to bullshit around either, I run my errands, and spend quality time with my family. Don't waste pointless time going here and there just because either. My mom would say "why don't you take the kids to Downtown Disney, or Citywalk? There's so much to do in FL". I can't be bothered that's why, it's such a production to get outta the house with them, they get out just enough to be sociable. They're gonna grow up and be unappreciative of the times you killed yourself with frustration anyway, what's the point? We do things with them at home and show them love what more do they really need? For my oldest 5th birthday next year we were thinking of doing Disney. How's it special if they're always getting spoiled rotten every weekend? That's why we're in the "Me" generation where everybody feels like their fuckin' owed/entitled to something. [Let me save that rant for another day...] I need a balance, I need to come up with a plan. All the plans I've come up with before failed miserably...I was back to my late nights and pissed off mornings in no time.

I'm praying for a miracle right now, I'm relaxing, I'm being positive, I will overcome this issue. I will overcome it like everything else I've struggled with before. I can and I will come out on top. God is teaching me a lesson right now, I haven't quite figured out the message but I pray that it's all for the best. Took a lot for granted I bet but I'm always going through bouts of worry, questioning life, what will come next, questioning myself, trying to do it all. I have to start using my power wisely maybe it's time to watch "The Secret" again... How do you use the power of your mind to overcome adversity?