Monday, October 7, 2013

Is Your Spouse Replaceable?

Every so often I think about what if I died first, leaving the kids with my husband that I almost halfheartedly pretend to forget that there's a possibility that he parts first. It's like impossible, that can't happen, especially not to me right? My dad passed when I was 12. I feel like it would be a cold cruel joke. The first thing that happens is my chest tightens and I get a knot in my throat, my mouth becomes dry, and my brain panics. I start thinking "no, think good thoughts!". Yes anxiety immediately arises. I wonder if all women feel the same way at the momentary thought of such a commonplace occurrence. Statistics show women live longer than their male counterparts, so of course the possibility is higher.

Preparing for things is what I do. However nothing can prepare you for death. So what do I do? I talked about it with him. Honestly my world would be so grim because I'm such a brat. I want for nothing but more time. Next week will be 13 years since we've been together and I can't ask for a better man. All my needs and demands are met. He understands me completely, and I wonder if anyone else ever could

I'm needy, spoiled, and can't be alone. I need a warm body more than the average person it seems. I adapted a "no babies in the bed policy" from the time the kids were born to ensure our sex life wouldn't dwindle down to a boring once a week/ no sex routine. I need thrill, I need excitement. We're a jealous couple. One of my friends said "how can you deal with the jealousy?" I get jealous too, but when he's jealous I thrive on it. A little jealousy is good for the relationship, it keeps us on toes, you're not going to take someone for granted if you know they could start looking elsewhere right? Look at jealousy like quality assurance...it makes sure you're staying up to code in your love life. Think about the hot tears and sweat of make-up sex. There's nothing like it.

Will they like 69? 
There's an episode of  the show "Everybody Loves Raymond" where Marie chooses a partner for Frank. I don't know who I could be with...I just know that I can't be alone. But then there's the sickening thought of the current dating scene...people just talking, no commitment required. I've got "baggage", will they accept my kids, respect my ideals, or will my happiness be a priority to them? Will they be good in bed? Will they have good hygiene, and style? Knowing damn well that he can be so jealous and possessive sometimes, I ask this guy how he feels about me moving on after his demise anyway... and you know what he says? He says "find someone and move on...do what you have to do".  Shocked me out of my senses to hear him say that. This is the same guy that asks me when I will be back before I have left the house, the guy who tracks my iPhone when I leave...and much more possessive behavior. That's the kind of person he is; selfless, even I couldn't say the same to him about moving on. Hopefully time will be on my side,  but I will say with great certainty though, that I will be a fish out of water and be looking to get back in the sea because I can't live without that physical love.

"Make love like you have no secrets, like you’ve never been left, never been hurt,  like the world don’t owe you a single wretched thing." -Warsan Shire

You can never know what life has in store, get your shit in order in the meantime:
Article: Widowed at 26, How life insurance became my lifeboat.