Thursday, October 10, 2013

The Friend Zone

Word of the Day: this is what I am.
When I met my husband 13 years ago, I was 14 years old on the first day of high school. I had a really bad breakup that year, but managed to get into another bad relationship right before school started in the fall.  Most people are like "what the fuck did you know at 14 years old... when I was 14 I played with dolls" or maybe not that extreme but you get the point. If you grew up in New York City, you know all about how girls grow up fast and how mean the streets generally were especially if you had a pretty face paired with a fat ass. I was in the fifth grade walking down the street with my mom the first time a boy hollered at me and tried to talk to me despite my mother clearly being there. So by 14, I already had been in tons of trouble, despite being a model student in school. Fights in the street, trouble with the boys, getting in trouble at home, I was a fuckin' magnet for danger. By God's grace I didn't get hurt aside from the few broken hearts I endured. I wasn't a saint by any means though, I too broke hearts, and caused more trouble than was necessary.

On the first day of school, I remember it clearly as if it were yesterday walking in my new sexy matching outfit, heels and new hairstyle, I felt so fly with my berry-burgundy lipstick and matching nails. I hadn't seen anyone all summer and this was high school now...I had to be there dressed my best to impress. As I walked by myself, my thoughts were racing, and I felt so lost. I didn't know what the fuck I wanted out of life and where the next four years would take me. I just knew I was tired of guys being douches and wanted someone steady. If anything I felt down because my loser boyfriend hadn't shown up to drive me to school on the first day.

When I saw my now husband...it wasn't a love at first sight affair. I looked at him and despised his choice of clothes and immediately categorized him as a guy I'd never go out with. That first month of school was life-changing when he decided to take the  seat of biggest guy in our class. We began talking because now he sat right next to me and it was an art class. Every time I talked to him, I just grew more attracted to him. I was excited to go to class and we became great friends. He talked about the future, he talked about his ambitions, karate, computers, possible careers. I talked about my favorite things, my family, my love of books, music, movies, dancing, the art we worked on,  and what I wanted in the future which was ultimately a stable relationship and career. No boyfriend before him took the time to get to know me on that level as he did as a friend. The moment he talked about getting married and children in the future in addition to all those ambitions I was swept away, mind blown at 14 years young. He was the smartest person I've ever known at that age with a deep sense of self, and autonomy. Even now, I don't know anyone more intelligent than he is. Together we're dynamite, the way we brainstorm together and create ideas and solutions. Three years down the line an older friend in her late 20's said to me "you think Chris blows your mind now, but will he a couple years from now?". I took the question into serious consideration, and every time someone was interested in me I compared them to him and they could never come close to that level.

I know I stirred up the pot of emotions this week with my post: Is Your Spouse Replaceable? A lot of you guys were on G+ like "no way, yes!", and other explanations of why "people can't be replaced" etc. I truly feel a spouse can be replaced but that exclusive connection you have with someone even if they're a friend can never be replaced. I personally can't replace my spouse in that way. If you married that person you have that amazing energy with, it doesn't matter how life changes, you will still share that electricity, and that magical power will overcome anything. I mean anything in terms of trials and tribulations, not deceit. Similarly there are relationships that have ended but you will always have mad love for that person and a genuine concern over their well-being and that's okay.

I know today dating has changed, it's about what each person brings to the table materially. Don't shut that person down and let that stop you from finding that connection. Being grateful for the moment only attracts more things to be grateful for.

We had nothing when we met but our extraordinary togetherness became our world and the stupid and trivial things that were slowly acquired were the evidence of that blessed love.