Wednesday, February 19, 2014

4 Rules for Re-Defining "Normal" in Motherhood

Before I became a mom, I said I would zip my ass back into shape in 6 months, I would give birth without any drugs, I would breastfeed for over a year, I wouldn't yell, I would just talk to my kids, I wouldn't let my kids eat this or that, etc. We're all blissfully ignorant until life is happening and we're losing control right before our eyes. Nobody knows what their experience will be like, our judgments are shaped by those experiences. Sometimes it's not other people who take you down that road, but you and your expectations of yourself. I have a two and an almost five yr. old and I'm no where near where I used to be. Today it hit me after seeing a video that I might never really reach my very realistic idea of perfection, even though someone out there is out there showing and telling the world it can be done because they did it. All you know is that you've been unable to do it. 

Too much is happening daily. Responsibilities get bigger, lifestyle changes become harder to manage, marriage becomes tougher as there is more adaptations to be made, and kids keep sucking the life out of you daily. If you pay attention and make an effort, sex becomes hotter, and you become happier and grow wiser. Valentine's Day just passed last Friday, and I was stressing the fact that it wasn't going to be special if we took the brats with us to the restaurant that we wanted to go to so badly. Instead I calmed the fuck down and told myself this is temporary; find another way to make the night special. By the way I have vent how I hate when stupid people on FB go on posting "why do we need a day to show people we love them, how you should love them and treat them daily". Every year it's always that one dumb person saying that, it never fails. I just want to say; hey you there, maybe when you grow up one day and pull your head outta your ass, you'll realize that; regardless of how much effort you put in daily if there's any time left between working and a blood sucking family, it's just not the same. Maybe then you will realize we need these wonderful holidays to pull out all the stops, to actually dedicate a day to be blissfully, tooth rotting sweet, romantic and special. That's my new definition of "normal". My husband and I dedicate the weekends to quality family time but Monday-Fri is a grind, we barely get to cuddle, or share anything heartfelt. Valentine's Day for me is the day to stop and admire my girls in the pretty dresses I dress them up in and take pics of every year. It was the day for me to forget about being fat and get dressed up and sexy-ed up to enjoy a scrumptious meal I prepared and the treats he brought home for us the indulge in while the smell of scented candles took over our home. 
Our smallest even though she's only two years old is the ultimate cockblock. It doesn't matter what time it is day or night, this child will wake up and cry when you're trying to get your freak on. So Valentine's night is also great holiday to have to dedicate for a night of pleasure. You can tire them out all day in hopes for a deeper slumber.

Normal used to be a peaceful night out to dinner and sex. Now normal might mean dragging your children with you and  the possibility of them ruining the evening because you had to squeeze fingers in public, and yell in the car ride there and back. If you're a first time mom or a mom trying to find yourself in all this effort of trying to get back to normal, I have 4 ground rules for re-defining normal. If you have a lot of outside help (ie; sitters, family members nearby) keep moving you probably can't relate because you're not on our level. Sorry, but you can take your hand off the heat when it gets too hot.  
  1. Reinvent yourself- Accept what is, change what's unbearable. Find the new you as if you're now a blank slate, like a brand new computer with different specs, or even think of it like upgrading software. Thought it was hard being in a relationship and losing your identity? Individuality is even harder to maintain with kids, but finding more to life than being called mom helps.
  2. Make time for yourself- Nights up, a few hours here and there, have dad take them out, or you go shopping and leave them home. I once hid in the pantry to eat a snack to get a break. 
  3. Never stop doing the things you love- Personally, I love dressing up, doing my nails, my hair, reading, staying up, listening and singing to ridiculous songs, dancing, and watching my shows. I talked to a friend who said she finds herself depressed sometimes and told her to get Spotify so we can share this music we used to listen to, and she said she's "too old" to listen to ______ music. You're never too old for anything that makes you feel vibrant. REMEMBER THAT
  4. Forgive yourself-you're trying to do the best you can and making mistakes sometimes. When you fall short, you feel horrible and it's okay. I say this because I learned to do this only today after I had my own melt-down, which was neither the first nor the last.