Monday, September 15, 2014

Imminent Death

This is my motto.
I had this great article I was working on about sex and relationships. It was pretty juicy, but then I heard my grandpa was in the hospital again, this time on life support and it kinda killed my vibe. I couldn't finish the article. I will probably get to it next week as I'm waiting here on pins and needles to hear of the finality of his life. At ninety-one years old my grandpa has lived a very long and full life. It's not sad that he will pass on, because it's better than being weak, and fragile, and a burden; unable to do things for yourself. He never had any known sicknesses to speak of, just the normal things that come with old age. That's just life. 

It came to me as a surprise even though we all knew this day would come. My grandparents were a big part of me and my brother's life. They were a very big part of the first 18 years of my life, and lived with us for several years. They shaped us. After grandma passed, it was like the piece of thread keeping the family together was cut. Strained relationships have occurred like most families, and the last 10-11 years I spent apart from everyone. I last saw my grandpa in the hospital with sound mind and body couple months ago, and it was such a pleasure to visit with him. I don't have any regrets, I kept in touch with grandpa as best as I could, with the annual Christmas photo cards I send all my distant family and friends, and random calls here and there over the years. I was glad for my girls to meet him and he adored them. Memories of my grandpa will always be with us but for some reason I still feel sad thinking of his imminent death. Part of it triggers anxiety and the other part just feels surreal. I pray for his soul to be liberated and feel gratitude for the opportunity to know him as well as I did. 

It was my grandparents who inspired me to start this blog. To learn the lessons they were trying to teach and share bits of wisdom. I also wanted to learn as much as I could about holistic medicine and share the vital pieces of basic nutrition that I felt could have given my dad and grandma a few more extra years had we been knowledgeable enough. They used to preach a lot to me during my teen years. Of course in hindsight, I should have listened more and learned more, but back then they were just two old people bothering me and making me lose sleep. Things your grandparents say go in one ear and out the other. Now I sometimes sit and recall how many things they were right about. My grandpa's mantra was always "Prevention is Better than Cure", and  he could talk for days on end about the age of Kali Yuga, and spirituality. On my own journey to find self-realization, it was his talks that would fill in the missing pieces of the "moksha" puzzle. I was very blunt with my grandparents many times, asking presumptuous questions about their life together. They both would give in to all of our whims, try to save us from my mom's wrath, make sweet treats that would be waiting for us when we came home from school, enrich us with stories, humor, and enrage us at times with their rules. 

When it came to us being lazy, Grandpa would always say "What you must do tomorrow, do it today", and that would always make us say "ughhhh, I know I know, stop sayin' that!!" This quote reminds me of that: 

He wasn't always an easy old man to deal with though, he was mostly harsh with a smart mouth and sometimes grouchy. You had to have patience and tolerance to deal with him. My grandma was kind, patient, and tolerant. A thought that makes me happy is thinking about the possibility of Grandma and Grandpa being together again in whatever spiritual world they go to. They were the picture of relationship goals.

Hopefully we can all grow, be kinder and learn to be tolerant of each other. That's what takes real strength.