Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Happily Ever After?

When I was a little girl, I thought my dream was to meet Prince Charming and get married and ride off into the sunset. I went to all my cousins' weddings dreaming of my own since they were in their early to mid-20's when I was about to hit my teens. They all started having beautiful babies and my brother and I being the youngest cousins around would always be so excited to play with them. Naturally, I was already a rebel and in the quest to grow up fast. By the time I was 15, I already had my whole future mapped out.

Logically, I understand that in the material world we're living in, we get what we want, and then we don't want it anymore, because everything in life is temporary. The cycle continues and it's time to want for something else.

Sometimes I'm not sure what I want anymore. I don't want anything, and I want everything. 
The last 6-8 weeks have been so stressful. Since my husband last left to his business trip in end of August for three days, I was dreading this week long conference he's been at. There were a bunch of things I had already made commitments to doing and even when it seemed impossible I still pulled through. My husband has been working nonstop. Evenings, nights, and weekends weren't spared on this very big important project. The deadline was fast approaching and he had no choice but to keep working around the clock. As you might know, any uproar in your home, positive, negative or neutral will throw your family's dynamic off. It could be the holidays, kids getting sick, house guests, monkey wrenches thrown in your plans, a vacation, back to back events, etc. Time is always running out and there's always so much to get done on top of those things.

A midst our strained family life that's when we had a sick family member, and then my grandpa was on life support. After my grandpa was taken off life support he lived through it. We all thought it was really the end. He was moved to hospice and since then we've all been waiting for the final word to prepare for the inevitable funeral arrangements as he's just slowly deteriorating. I had a religious function already planned before all this since July and I feel like it was a test of my faith whether to persevere or cancel. I would've liked to cancel, but that was easy street. If my grandpa had passed before my event or the day of, it would've been like all my hard work of week long physical, mental, and emotional energy and efforts would have been wasted. It was a test of my determination, devotion, and strength. The lesson was to be devoted to spiritual advancement regardless of whether or not your efforts will be futile. Strive. Persevere. Be Thankful.

I've been struggling to be positive. I'm running around taking care of the kids, trying to stay on top of the housework, the laundry, the cooking, and then we're not spending quality time together as a family, so that's causing me to pick up the slack with the kids. To spend more time with them because they want to be with their Dad who can't give them more than a few mins here and there is more than exhausting for me. I find myself getting angry more often. We had a big fight a few weeks back. Hurtful words were said. The kids, are misbehaving more, demanding more. Motherhood is hard. I've always been content with life, and been extremely grateful, but these past weeks I feel burned out and I question the decisions I made in life. At the end of every one of their meltdowns or my own, I walk slowly through hell asking;  Do I love my kids? Absolutely. Should I have ever had children? No. Would I have done everything the same exact way knowing and going through everything up to this very point? No. 

I guess that's what happens when you put people under fire, and under pressure. They explode, they lash out at you, they ask why? They blame themselves, they feel horrible about themselves, they feel like they've failed, then they question if they should have made a better choice that would've avoided the current woes they're going through, and then...? It's a process. What you do next is what matters. This was a test of my marriage because these type of life pressures will either make two people grow closer, or break two people apart. This was a test of motherhood, because I'm given the choice to keep trying my best and giving my all to these girls even when every fiber of my being really wants to run and my spirit is broken.

Ask me the same questions above next week, or next month during the Holidays when things have returned to my sense of normal. Ask me the same questions when my husband will be free and back to spending quality time with us and I am getting the much needed breaks I deserve. Do you ever ask why when you're having fun?

Some may think it's being "needy" or "clingy" to want your family together and spending lots of quality time together, as one of my friends sometimes sarcastically asks me "what is enough time together for you? My question to you is; What is happiness? What makes a great relationship? Can you ever have too much Love?

I read Paulo Coelho's "The Alchemist", and it was an amazing story. Some people will read it and think "WTF?" because the book got a lot of hype. I was taken back at first. I finished the book this week, and it couldn't have been completed at a better time. I learned the lessons I was being tested on. I was so focused on the goal, I didn't realize the journey is just as important or maybe even more important. I'm praying for patience.

If you find this magic, maybe "The Alchemist" might be for you.