Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Topic of the Week: Sex Starvation

I've been reading all these articles recently on sex. I wasn't looking for them, they just came up out of no where. I couldn't decipher between the best one to share because they were all equally good. This is a topic I can only speak for myself. From talking to others and reading about people's experiences I infer that women are not getting enough sex, or perhaps they're not getting enough good sex to be motivated to want it 24/7 like men are stereo-typically thought to. Desire is lacking today after the "I Do's". It was there before the wedding and the kids, but got lost somewhere after.

What do I consider "good sex"? Well, I'd say the kind where you both can't get up right away because you're so spent and blown away by what just took place and your climax left you feeling like you could fall asleep immediately if not putting you on a whole other level of relaxation. You can't help but smile all day, you spend the day reflecting and replaying it over and over in your mind while feeling the desire build up again.

What's the problem with desire? Well from what I'm gathering it's; busy schedules, kids, kids in the bed, self-conscious body image related thoughts, the lack of sleep, communication, and compromises, being tired, feelings of ambivalence towards a mate you've been arguing with, unresolved conflicts, stress, feeling bloated, finances, etc. Do those things happen on my end? Of course we experience those things. The difference is that we don't make sex a chore, it's a fun spontaneous thing you look forward to, and do to reconnect and relax. Intimacy is important and healthy for you as an individual. While intimacy doesn't always mean sex, they both go hand in hand. Sex isn't the only thing there is in life, it's not the most important thing, but it is a very essential part of living a healthy and happy life.

Posted by a man of course, lol, and OK maybe a
little extreme, but could there be some truth in a lesser degree? 
After nearly 14 years together, 6 of 'em married and two kids, things haven't simmered down. They've heated up and are left boiling on the stove sometimes overflowing. One friend said I'm a natural whore, maybe so, but there's nothing wrong with having a big appetite sexually. I have a fiery personality and a very passionate disposition. The sensual physicality of it is how I am able to express myself, and feel balanced. Another friend who got married recently asked me "so how many times do you guys have sex now?" I was very honest, I can't say its definitely 3-5x a week, sometimes its once a week, sometimes its 3-4x a day, sometimes its a whole week, sometimes I service him, or he services me. Sometimes it's none!

People like numbers. We can draw conclusions about what we can see and quantify.  The truth is, it's not about how much, it's about quality, intimacy, intensity, and most of all it's about the desire.

Sometimes you can't get your hands off each other, sometimes you're bored, sometimes you're hugging each other and having pillow-talk and it becomes a sensual passionate thing, sometimes its animal-like, lusty, hungry, and needy, sometimes it's to workout anger and frustration after a long day, sometimes it's to just look into each other's eyes and be one and make that person feel how much you adore them. Whatever the reason it's never a good idea to close yourself to your spouse when they need you the most.

Sexuality is artistic, it's creative, it's unique each time, it's healing emotionally, and spiritually, not just a mental and physical expression. 

So after a long day, it's important to reconnect. Even if you're tired, you owe it to yourself and your partner to be present, to be available. Does this mean the responsibility of it falls on women? Of course it does. If he's seeking you out, don't turn him down. I mean how many times can a person keep saying "No" a week? A month? If you're sick or something that's one thing, and if he's abusing your limits every week then that's another story. However, a hardworking faithful husband, wonderful father, and best friend should be taken cared of sexually. Love is not selfish. Be a Giver. See: Givers vs. Takers vs. Matchers

3 Valid Points I've Gathered

1) The more you give, the more you get. Oxytocin is the bonding hormone, released when we physically engage with others through hugs, kisses, orgasms, and even during breastfeeding. Men are less likely to cheat with higher levels of Oxytocin. The more they love, and receive platonic affection, the higher their oxytocin levels. However, orgasms isn't enough to keep levels of Oxytocin high. It rises and falls afterwards. Single ladies: don't give up the cookie until you've created this lasting bond.

2) Don't get stuck in the same old boring routine.  Being comfortable is great, but like all things in life: everything only in moderation. Don't get too comfortable wearing those sweats and tees, it's habit-forming. Men appreciate beauty just like we do. Don't let yourself go and make the kids be everything. Check this Tinder date conversation out between Derek & Jules. It starts off sweet but then says a lot. --->

3) When he committed his entire life to you, and you don't give the pussy up it's like bait and switch tactics. Mean, unfair, and cruel. A sure way to build up resentment. So live and let live. There's always something new to learn. Try to be open minded.

       [Lol I love Ari...]
The brain needs the heart, the heart needs the blood, the blood needs nutrients. Vitality is interconnected. Individuals and relationships need all the components to thrive. They're dependent on each other. 

Where is sex on your priority list?

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