Friday, March 20, 2015

Why We Stay Longer Than We Should...

After I wrote about Devotion in romantic relationships last week, I realized something that I forgot to mention. Devotion isn't giving so much that you have nothing left to give. Know your limits, know how much you can endure. Be smart and acknowledge how much of the time there is no reciprocated anything. Nobody should keep score, relationship efforts sometime wane or take turns in waves, that's just life. What I'm talking about is entirely different.

Lately I've been having a tough time with motherhood. Actually, from the time my kids learned to say "no" or could backtalk until now I have had a hard time with motherhood. What about motherhood? The devotion. Half the time I just wanna jump in the car and drive off. What kind of person does that? I lose my shit sometimes because I'm so used to not taking shit, from anyone. I'm aggressive, confrontational, and I know when I've had enough that I can just take off and you never hear from me again. I'm self-aware. With that being said, having children really shook my core. I 'm on a teeter-totter of emotional turmoil; on one side getting tons of crap from two small children while missing my freedom days and other the side reminding myself that this is what I signed up for, and that I have no choice but to keep putting one foot in front of the other in this journey, because I have to be a good mom.  The best goddamn mom I can be. It's soul crushing at times, both the realization and the experience.

As natural nurturers we keep pushing through when the going gets tough with our children  and then we sometimes let that translate into our relationships. Does Devotion=Sacrifice? Staying with men who don't even realize they're losing us despite still being with us physically. Staying with the abusers, the misfits, the workaholics, the addicts, the mama's boys, the cheaters, the assholes, the jobless, the moochers, etc.

Think about a man though... when he's tired, he's just tired. How many more times is a man likely to leave a woman who's cheated on him more than once? How many times is a woman likely to leave after more than one occurence of infidelity? It's pretty clear there's a bigger likelihood of a man ending a relationship permanently more times than a woman would. Why is that?

I saw this video about female compromise and authenticity. At first it was like ugh what the fuck is she babbling about for so long? Then there was the moment of clarity. It explains why we take so much shit sometimes. It explains why our tolerance is so high,  and what fuels our inequality with the male counterpart.

"Men have a stronger need for truth. Women have a stronger need for love."

It always baffles and blows my mind how you can give a friend proof of her man cheating and she's more mad at you then she is at him. She's known for quite some time. She will cry, she'll talk shit, she'll say she'll leave, he might even hit her and yet she stays...

No relationship is perfect but both people need to be equally loving, equally respectful, equally trying to make it not just work, but flourish. You can't hope for change without there being clear indications of someone's desires and actions for it.

If you're a woman reading this, think of a time you either brushed your feelings under the rug for the sake of saving your relationship. Think of your strength. How many times have you endured both physically and mentally, and dragged your ass out of bed to face the day and take care of whatever the day had ahead of you?

If you're a man reading this; Why is it that when men speak their mind they're just speaking their mind but when women do; she's a woman on her period, pms-ing, or being a bitch. She's automatically being too emotional? Isn't that what separates us as humans from animals? Our emotions and intelligence? How many times have you become a drama queen during a bout of the common cold?

Wondering About Your Relationship? Try this Exercise.

I learned something from the book "How Full Is Your Bucket?" and my daughter's school. They taught the Kindergartners about bucket fillers and bucket dippers. Get two (2)  jars and a bunch of marbles. When you do something nice for your partner, you put a marble in their jar (bucket filling). If you do the opposite, your partner can take a marble out (bucket dipping), vice versa. Taking something abstract as love and feelings, and putting it in a way we can actually see is extremely enlightening. I personally like to take inventory of how I feel in my relationships. I know what I want, what I don't and what I can't accept. Catalog your feelings. For women who end up with empty buckets remember this:

When you want to run back to such relationships, ask yourself: How am I  much different from suicide bombers?

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