Monday, April 13, 2015

10 Facts about Complaining that Moms Don't Realize

Hola! Last month there were a bunch of moon phases that shook things up for a lot of people emotionally. Then the week before, after the eclipse I myself felt emotionally charged in my relationship and the baby topic came up. Last week I had one of my oldest friends visit with her beautiful family which included a sweet baby boy and I'm suddenly faced with the same never-ending, exhausting question again: Do I want more kids?

Yes a year ago I was trying to get my husband on the wagon for a vasectomy and now a year later, I'm questioning this decision with a lot of uncertainty. 

I'm not concerned about money as I should be. I'm concerned about my own well-being, my sanity, my strength, my ability. Personal development is a lifelong journey. Some questions I ask myself are who will I be at 40, 50, 60, 70 years old? In the past three years I've grown exponentially.  I'm not sure what my priorities will be at those ages, but for now I'm trying to raise my family and create the life I want to live for myself. Part of that entails building our future, and perhaps it means more children because I love big families, I love cooking, and traditions, and the holidays. I love newborns, and baby giggles, new experiences, and memories. With that said, who doesn't love all those things?

On the other hand....
As much as I try to be logical about this, it's a double-edged sword. As one of my friends said: "It's not about the # of children, it's about the quality of them". I agree because you could have two bad asses or ten sweet obedient children. You never know who you're bringing into the world as I learned with my headstrong first child, and my sweet as sugar laid back second child. My dear friend says to me "Why are you always questioning yourself?" To be honest I'm not sure. I didn't have the greatest relationship with my mom, and all of what we know is from our own upbringings.  I'm trying to do the very best I can but half the time I complain so damn much about everything. I like naps, I love freedom, I'm impatient, I'm spontaneous, I'm impulsive, adventurous, I value "me-time", and sexy-time with my man, and my bed remains a kid-free zone, so why do I feel driven to "start all over again" when I just got back to doing things I love and value because I've learned self-love?
In this confusion or quest for making the right decision I realized the most important realization in all of motherhood is this: 

We know life isn't perfect, but in this journey of ups and downs we're striving for it, and when it isn't we're upset, we're defeated, we question our life, our choices, and our abilities. It's human nature to yo-yo back and forth between complaining and then counting our blessings. Those goddamn kids know how to push our buttons because they're kids, that's what they do, I'm not any less of a mother for being upset about that fact. Of course I love them, and when I'm having the best days with them nobody ever hears about those because I'm just so engulfed with the now, with every single soul shut out of my world, and having a wonderful time. In the pursuit of picture perfect days, behaviors, and experiences with the kids, I feel like a failure when things don't pan out as planned, and with a limited support system I'm too overextended which causes me to teeter between missing my old life and the old me who was free to do whatever I pleased. Guilt then overwhelms me and I run off to vent to my clan. Girlfriends I couldn't live without. The sisterhood of us going through all of the same things over the years in all facets of life, trying to convey and sort through right and wrong, good and bad, normal and abnormal, and ultimately bouts of complaints and gratitude. 

The Conclusion: 

  • Balance is necessary, however doesn't happen unless you work hard at it, and even then there will be compromises/sacrifices.
  • Complaining is normal, or as valid as breathing.
  • Complaining is important  as long as it's within moderation: not all the time, never-ending/ruminating, and balanced with equal amounts of positivism and action for change in the things that don't work. 
  • Complaining doesn't make you a bad mom, it's how we get through the tough times. Through complaining it's asking others for consideration, help, understanding, or empathy. 
  • Admitting and accepting that something is hard doesn't mean you're not supposed to complain. 
  • Everyone complains, just about different things, at all ages, and phases. It's how we relate to one another.
  • What matters about complaining is how we suck it up and get on with our lives and if we're proactively evaluating and monitoring what makes us happy, content, satisfied, or driven.
  • Break up with the idea of normal. When I did, I found happiness and acceptance in being different. Motherhood is a realm that will drag you back into the misery of questioning "normal". That happens to me from time to time. Just like every child is different, every mom and her journey are different. 
  • If you want to have your cake and eat it too, you will always complain about something. 
  • Complaining is an essential part of the process of building strength, if it's used constructively; working through problems and/or frustration. Just remember not to do it too much, focus on solutions. 
I wanna hear from all of you with three kids. Was it planned? How did the dynamic of a third child change your life? Regrets from those who didn't have more children? 
Reasons? Do you complain? What do you complain about? 

Please be a doll and leave your comments in the comment box below. The world could use your insight. 

Much love!