Friday, November 27, 2015

Inside the White Picket Fence

Lately I feel like I've really dropped the ball. With everything. I'm struggling with a whole set of emotions ranging from a wide variety of issues. I was questioning life. In the last two months I've lost my shit quite a few times. Have you ever reached a moment of clarity during your darkest moments? Why do we always seem to reach all these strange epiphanies when we're confused? Music is my escape as usual, but this time these songs really spoke to me.

" A city of justice, city of love peace for everyone of us....Next door to happiness is sadness"

How true is this? Lately the highs and lows of my life are like running back and forth between happiness and sadness. This has been too much to bear because I don't require much, I live a very simple life, anything that complicates things becomes overwhelming for me. Simple things like grocery shopping has been stressing me because half the time I don't know what I should cook anymore. I'm going through a hormonal imbalance that left me with severe cystic acne and no choice but to try birth control. I feel defeated as I have been against drugs and synthetic chemicals in my body for so long. I think of all the causes of people needing birth control aside from pregnancy and it's all environment related. A topic near and dear to my experiences, but let's not even open that jar.

I want Utopia...what else is new? 

When I was very young
Nothing really mattered to me
But making myself happy
I was the only one
Now that I am grown
Everything's changed
I'll never be the same
Because of you
Nothing really matters
Love is all we need
Everything I give you
All comes back to me
Looking at my life
It's very clear to me
I lived so selfishly
I was the only one
I realize
That nobody wins
Something is ending
And something begins
Nothing takes the past away
Like the future
Nothing makes the darkness go
Like the light

You're shelter from the storm
Give me comfort in your arms
We choose our life. Women have the power, and sometimes we lose that control when we follow our hearts and let the fire inside consume us. Love is so multifaceted. Love is an angry turbulent monster. I crave the tenderness of it all, and I fear the loss of control I experience when I'm buried by it. I miss the carefree days when I had complete control over my future and I had options. Freedom to just do whatever I want with nobody to care for and anybody to pass the time. Society and marriage does this to you, the dreams of the big beautiful house, and the white picket fence and happy smiling good babies, the sensation of his skin against yours, and the sweet smells of your home and the love inside.
When I love someone or something I love the fuck out of it, but when I'm cold I'm unbreakable. My moment of clarity came when I realized that what used to be my strength became my weakness. Love is all that really mattered to me. The past couple months being as stressful as it was caused me to question a lot of my core values. Growing up as a little girl I think a lot of the messages we receive surrounds "finding true love", nurturing people and things, caring more about others than ourselves, and Disney themed dreams. According to Disney it's: Follow your heart vs. using your brain. I'm guilty of singing "A dream is a wish your heart makes" with my girls too. I got to thinking the other day when my friend said that we would go so far in life if we didn't have so many feelings.

Men run the world because they don't stop and ask why, or think about how they feel about every single thing. The moment women lose is the moment we fall in love. It's game over because we will always struggle to do more than we're capable of physically, mentally, and emotionally for the ones we love. Romantic love changes the way you view the world, renews your hopes for the future and when a child is born it changes those things all over again. Your sacrifices are done by default, every time you feel a little defeated something as small as a smile helps you pull it all together and keep on marching.

I was recently axed for admitting that this isn't what I signed up for, for being real and questioning the fight or flight response we all get when we're under pressure. I thought more about feminism and how we wanted equality so bad but I think feminism should've placed more emphasis on women not being so vulnerable. We have strong rights but our hearts are so weak. It should've dug deeper and taught women to stop tying in our happiness to our heart which we let make all the decisions. But then what would happen to society and life? Children need a stable home with two parents who model what their futures should look like. I don't need to work because it's not things I'm after. It's love, its moments, it's experiences, it's time.

Inside the white picket fence is a woman who's strength is tested often. She is the creator and maintainer of all the beautiful things around her, children included. A heavy burden no one can really prepare for as she is the leader in worthy causes, spiritual advancement, and it's through her sacrifice that her family prospers, mentally, physically, and emotionally. Things are never perfect, sacrifices need to be made, but she always finds her smile. Her dreams have all come true but sometimes it's nothing like she pictured it. The doubts, fears, and worries creep in. Pangs of self-doubt and regret beat her down. The efforts to live a long and healthy life is an exhausting journey.

I take my responsibilities as a wife and mother very serious. It's my duty to be sure of what I feed myself and my family, to be knowledgeable enough to always do what's best for them, because I'm investing in our futures and the dreams I have aren't over.  Like everything else in life, the storm passes, the clouds fade and you can see the sun shine again. I am swept off my feet by love, passion, and joy and gratitude always prevails. I can't lie that when things are at it's best I don't question anything. What I do know is that I would like to make my girls stronger. Because women will always have it harder, we fight against right and wrong just like men but our hearts are never satisfied, we want to have it all, and cry at the drop of a hat when things aren't as they were supposed to be.

They say "Don't get burnt flying too close to the sun", and the more I more I seek out a balance the deeper I dig, getting burnt each time. Happily ever after is a continuum of highs and lows. A bipolar experience in itself. A life without the highs and lows is such an uninteresting existence. I'm anything but ordinary. I want to have my pie and eat it too. I want to press pause on this lovely scene and run wild like when "nothing really mattered to me" for an hour, a day, a month, or a year and come right back where I left off and press play. That's what's real inside the white picket fence, and the first thing you can do is erase whatever vision/story/idea you had/have of what it's going to be like when you feel like you've finally attained the white picket fence: "Love is all we need".  <3

Thought Provoking Reads:

Is Marriage Worth It For Women?