Thursday, March 30, 2017

Moments of Uncertainty: Catalog Them!

The last few months of baby prep is finally over! Everything is bought and in its rightful place, the clothes are all washed and packed away, everything is assembled, a small house project got squeezed in and squared away, the house is getting one last deep clean this weekend, food inventory is stocked and prepped for postpartum and beyond. Everything is all in place because that's what Type A personalities do. Now I sit and wait...As I wait I begin to wonder. Busy is my favorite because when I'm engaged in multiple projects there's less time to think and dwell on what-ifs. Before I start this new chapter I wanted to catalog my thoughts and feelings because after this everything changes. I've struggled with accepting and adapting to change however positive they may be because like everyone who's positively content and happy, living in gratitude in life, they're afraid to lose something. They're all the more anxious about when their story comes to an end. If you come from a background where you've seen lots of struggle, loss, pessimism, and a environment tainted by ideals like:
  • life is hard
  • money is hard to come by
  • you can never trust a man or anybody 100%
  • he will leave you don't depend on him
  • he will cheat on you if you xyz.... 

You grow to be fearful of even the happiest things. Gone is the the childish spirit and belief in things magical or naïveté optimism. Happiness is a point between two unhappy intervals. The longer the happiness interval is it creates a feeling of things being too good to be true for people like me. Optimism grew on me but sometimes you teeter between optimism and realism/relativism, the line is very thin. 

Shit just got real with having this baby due very soon I'm starting to worry about how I will balance everything. The girls are mostly independent and I'm not sure what kind of baby I"ll have. Will he be a colic baby like my first or will he be easy peasy like my second child? Will I get to go to the library anymore like I love doing? Will I even want to? Will I have enough time and energy to make sure nobody feels left out? The girls have been demanding a lot recently. Will I let fitness and nutrition fall to the sidelines like I did before because I was too tired and absorbed in motherhood? Will I still work on my personal development and the goals that I haven't delayed? How might our relationship change? Our marriage has been better than ever despite the past few months of work trips putting a damper on things but still the friendship and passion department is still awesome. 

Most people I talk to say of "course you will, you will be fine, the girls will help!" I knew what I signed up for but it doesn't make me any more confident when I question myself about whether or not I have the potential to accomplish and be the woman and mom I'm striving to be. We all want to be super mom. They don't know the different person I become when I'm sleep deprived and irritable. They don't know how I snap easily postpartum because I feel like shit that first two months. They don't know how much I used to cry at the drop of a hat the minute something went awry in my perfectly planned day. They don't know the flight response I get when things get hard or overwhelming. 

Excited, scared, anxious, happy, sad; they're the mixed emotions of any person who takes the risk to live a life well lived without regrets. But these are the current "wonderings" of a third time mom who got her shit together and wants to keep it that way.  

Hopefully everything works out. I will post an update when he's here and I'm up for it. But for now I will use this post to challenge my fears and when I"m past this transition it will be either an accomplishment or a failure of what I'm capable of. Uncertainty kills me. Hence my last post before the unknown. 
Today in a society focused on photoshopped imperfections and illusions of feigned perfection I find myself more inclined to people who skip the small talk. Whenever I read a novel, a story, an article, a news report, etc. I want to gain insight, and I'm drawn to people that fearlessly and genuinely share their experiences. That's how strength is made and we cultivate hope from stories of peoples genuine struggles and triumphs. 
Catalog your moments and take stock of how things worked out and you will have an inventory of times when you prevailed nonetheless to keep you afloat...